3 DAYS DEAD

Deja Vu.

I was busy working around the house yesterday. Pushing myself too hard, my body is aching, but that's nothing compared to the mental anguish I'm going through. There's been many supporting emails coming from the readers, but nothing can compare to the heartache that I'm going through, especially late at night when I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep.

There are women in my life that I thought I was close to, at least I thought I was. One of them in particular said that she would 'always be there for me'. She's not here for me, she's flaky, I should have known better than to place my hope in someone who I thought was my friend, I've been there for her, not because I was expecting something in return. I like to help people, at least I did until recently. She doesn't call or let alone email me and it hurts, where are you when I need you?

There's another woman who was in my life, who could be gentle and sweet, then the next moment she was distant, clearly didn't want me around. When she heard about my accident she was concerned ... at least I thought she was. In her next email she was angry, upset. To make a long story short she doesn't want me in her life.

I'm not getting any younger ... I'm in my 30's, I thought I would have settled down by now, but that wish is becoming a distant memory. But it's nothing to the pain I feel in my heart, it's making me depressed, so depressed that I sleep for hours on end. It's effecting me physically as well. My hands are beginning to cramp up when I write. I'm constantly tired. I'm plagued by headaches. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to whomever is reading this. I don't want to ruin your day. I just needed someone to 'vent' to. I rarely venture outside the house, even with the taxi. I don't have the energy. It takes a lot out of me just to write these blogs lately ... I don't even care anymore ... the accident, my personal life, the heartache that I'm experiencing ... it feels like it's an ongoing deja vu. I know that I experienced it in the past, either in my nightmare or somewhere else and it's frustrating.

I hope things will get better for me.