Who is she?

Is she a black widow in disguise? That's what I first thought when she first sent me an email.

But that's not the case. I don't open up very easy. Well I haven't ... I used to be friendly and outgoing ... but that was ages ago.

It looks like it's going to be a good year. I'm really looking forward to it.

I have to go now. I'm going to meet someone. Watch the vlog.

Happy New Years!

Jack

KEREN

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I received this video from a reader named Keren. She's been helpful with research, I don't need to write about it, look at it for yourself.

12/23/06

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December 23, 2006

I had a good day today. Visited some car dealers. Pretended to buy a car. Climbed into their skull and rummaged around. It was fun messing about with the abundance of air in the space that would usually occupied with their brain.

DAMAGED GOODS

I hate car dealers. I consider them a notch below murderers. They would sell their new born child if they could make a deal. The service department is just as bad or even worse.

Yes I'm angry. What a joke. A 'new' car? I'm looking at the internet to see what I can buy. I DON'T want to go to another car dealer.

Dunno know what else to say. I'm tempted to say the name of the car dealer, but I can't. Load of scum bags, bollocks, wankers.

I should have listened to my instincts, this was the first new car that I've purchased, I always purchased used cars. My last vehicle was a Volvo Estate with over 564,000 mi.

The only reason why I bought a new car is because the Estate had major rust and the tranny needed a rebuild, plus the chassis was literally rusting away. Not very safe to say the least.

I have a complete workshop in my garage, a bit of machine tools here and there. I've got a collection of spanners. I've got another vehicle in the garage, a 1963 Austin Mini Cooper Pickup that I brought over from the U.K. I completely restored it here in the states, but it's not registered, it's strictly a project car. Plus it's too dangerous to be driving, especially with all the nutters on the road. You've got to be a right twit to be driving something like this on the road.

I should have bought another used car and fixed up meself. Thought it would 'nice' to have a 'new car'. Stupid bastard.

I've learned a lesson. ALWAYS trust your instincts!

Vehicle R.I.P.



Almost one year ago I was driving a brand new car. Close to a year later my car with 400 miles sits in a paint/body shop. The technicians are inspecting the car to see if it can be rebuilt.

I don't want a rebuilt car, I want the insurance to replace my car. Granted the car is a year old, it's still 'new', but I don't want to be driving around in a car that was in a wreck.

I can't bear to look at my once new car. I guess it's my fault that I forgot about the car in the impound yard, even thought they constantly called and sent me letters. It feels like I shut off the outside world, and not by choice.

I've been walking to the corner market to buy my necessities, it only takes me 5 minutes to walk back and forth. It's good therapy, and I don't need to take the taxi, but even though it's only a 5 minute walk the sound of roaring cars still scares me.

It does feel good to take a breath of fresh air, and one day I know that I'll drive again, but I don't know when that's going to be.

I would like to go to the movies and to the bookstores, but I can't walk there, and I can't afford to take another taxi, it's draining my bank account, even though I'm doing some odd research jobs at home, which helps. A reader suggested I take the bus, thank you for the tip but I don't like taking the bus, there's some nice people on board, but the majority of bus riders are dangerous and deranged. I don't mean to write something demeaning, especially about people who can't afford to buy a car or are unable to, but I fear for my safety when I'm on a bus, and I feel sorry for normal people who take the bus to and from work everyday, especially mothers with young children. It's not the safest method of transportation.

I'm really hoping that the auto body estimator will write off my car as a complete salvage so I can buy myself a new car. Not that I care about cars, to me they're nothing but transportation, nothing else. I'm not in love with my car. As long as it gets me to and from my destination, I'm fine.

Impound yard for 1 year?

This thought suddenly hit me while I was laying in bed on Saturday at 6 am. I've never been this careless, I've very punctual, but this isn't like me. I don't like to make excuses, but I blame it on my concussion.

I haven't been thinking logically, it must be a side effect of having a concussion. I scrambled to find the name of the impound yard where my car was, 8 am, I called them, the phone rings continuously until the 15th ring, someone answers, by 9 I arrive in a taxi, with some cash from the ATM and a bag I make my way over to the window of the impound yard and pay a hefty fund of back fees ( I could have bought a good, a very good used vehicle for what they charged me in impound yard fees!).

But it is my fault for not being more 'with it'. I open the door to what was once my new car. I'm here for one thing and one thing only - the digital recorder hidden in the back panel quarter of the car.

I installed hidden cameras in the car the day I purchased it. There's still hidden cameras that I placed around my neighborhood that I'm only now discovering! I must have been working on a visual anthropology project but I can't remember.

I couldn't breathe when I came home and plugged in the digital video recorder into the computer.

I don't need to tell you everything that's on the video, but my eyes are wide awake. I contacted the police and made a copy of the video for them to investigate. It's been almost one year since the accident happened. Will I be able to find out what happened? Did I place cameras in places that I don't remember?

I wish I could think clearly, I know I need to someone for help, real help, no psychiatrists or therapists or 'life coaches', I need to see someone who can help me see clearly! The answer is out there I just need to find it. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack, but I can find the haystack and eliminate each piece one by one until I find it!

I'm upset that someone caused my accident and I'm angry that someone pulled me out of the car, but the question is why?

December 23 is coming up right around the corner, time flies. And I'm not getting any younger.

I hope the new year is going to work out for me. I need to make a change and find some answers!

- Jack

Meeting the Psychiatrist.

I'll tell you what you can't see in the video. I definitely have not seen this woman before! Actually she was quite pretty, I was distracted. However I did confront her about this entire situation being staged or some sort of prank.

Of course she denied, being a mental health care professional I was surprised that she exploded into rage (maybe she needs to see a therapist). I looked around the room for any sort of clues. Nothing out of the ordinary. Pictures of her on vacation with her beau. A calendar on the wall, very conservative paintings on the wall (to make the patients feel at ease I suppose.

The room was rather small, the front office was equally as small. The Psych. desk was cluttered with papers, she didn't seem to be very organized, more disorganized than anything. It wouldn't win any kudos for it's use of space or interior design!

I did some research on the Psych. it turns out she's been at this particular location since 2002, before that she worked at a hospital. Nothing out of the ordinary.

During our hour long session she treated me like I was a prisoner, a criminal. Thankfully she took a break to use the loo.

I looked around the office. I inspected it for more detail. I was extremely cautious, she could have installed security cameras. I'm sure a patient has tried to attack her on more than one occasion.

There was several badly plastered and painted sections of the wall around the room. It looked like someone either threw their fist where her head once was or someone picked up a chair and threw it at her and missed.

The blinds in the room was dirty and worn out. It looked like she jumped out of the one story room more than once. Either that or she was using the screen less window as an ash tray. I did manage to take a peek outside the window, sure enough it was littered with cigarette butts, it looked like she threw the contents of her ash tray out the window. Don't you just love people who care for the environment?

The paint on the wall was a drab off white, horrible paint scheme, one would think that a psychiatrist would paint the walls with soothing colors or at least consult with an interior designer! But what would I know, because I've never been to a psychiatrist before!

There was something that puzzled me, there was a photograph, very old that was stuck halfway, sort of placed in a drawer at the last minute. The photo looked like it was taken in the mid 70's of two men, around 30 or so, standing, smiling in front of a brand new car, a Land Rover 109 5 door. In the background dozens of cars filled the massive building; several men wearing suits stood in the background of what looked like a car dealership, dozens of vehicles - a Mercedes 600 series saloon, a Range Rover, several Jaguar saloons and several men of Arab origin in the background inspecting the car.

I tried to take a shot with my surveillance camera but the psych. entered the room, somewhat suspicious. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I wanted to be sure that she was on the up and up.

She was definitely a chain smoker, she said she had another client and was rushing me to hurry up.

The secretary was much more chatty, more down to earth, through clueless, she's only been working there for 2 weeks, so I couldn't ask her anything in detail. I was in the midst of asking her out for a cup of coffee when lo and behold the Psych. appeared tapping here feet and demanding that miss secretary retrieve some files for her on the next patient.

Hopefully for my follow up I'll be able to delve in further.

I'm still not driving, but being angry at what's happening I haven't been noticing my surroundings. I've been more at ease, probably because I'm furiously been trying to find out what's going on.

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'PROOF' - VBLOG



As if it couldn't get any weirder. The police contacted me a few days ago ... it's all explained in the video. I don't know what to think. Maybe I shouldn't think. X-mas is around the corner and I've been buying gifts for my family. No gifts for the remaining few friends I have, or had. But let's not get negative here. I've been writing nothing but self-pity blogs to you lot over the past several months and I must apologize. The first and foremost thing on my mind is my accident investigation, but what the police showed me on the video is just plain weird! It's a black comedy. What would Kafka think?

Back to X-mas. I need to keep my mind occupied.

Well, the great things about shopping online - no lines, no gift wrapping, no problems looking for parking. I really used to like X-mas shopping with me mum dad and younger sis. We used to spend hours shopping on Oxford Street, looking at all the stuff we couldn't afford. Me mum looking at Selfridges. Me dad looking at the electronic shops. Then we'd head over to Portobello Road so me and me younger sister could look at all the new LP's at Virgin Records (no megastore back then, just a bunch of hippies making a ton of quid off of Mike Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells') I used to spend hours looking at the LP covers. ( no kids, we didn't have cds or downloadable itunes bollocks back then!)

For an afternoon laugh we'd make our way to the King's Road to poke fun at the punks. I remember one particular afternoon in December of 1977 when the Punks and the Teds were beating each other up. The punks were no match for the Teds, the Teds were older and handy with their fists. How the punks could get around in their bondage trousers was beyond me!

All in all it was a happy time, me parents would get me an Action Man, me dad a new soldering gun (he was an electronics hobbyist) me younger sister a new doll and me mum a new dress.

Yes it was fun growing up in the 70's in Britain. I won't go into detail about the trash strike in the long hot summer of 76', British Leyland going bust, record levels of unemployment, I didn't give a toss about all that. I was a kid and I was having fun. I shudder to think having kids in this environment.

Maybe I should have stayed in London, I would be taking the tube to work everyday and I wouldn't be in a car accident. Not unless there was a derailment on the tube. But that doesn't happen very often.

This was supposed to be a happy blog about the joys of X-mas and I ended up talking about trash strikes, bankrupts British companies and the terror of kids.

I'm signing off before it gets worse.

- Jack

Numb recovery

PTSD therapy group, what a joke. Absolute rubbish. I went to a support group 2 days ago. See the video. Hope everyone is having a safe and happy thanksgiving. I'm staying at home where it's safe and warm with no traffic. I remember as a child visiting my mum's relatives here in the states. Re-runs of 'The Twilight Zone' would be shown all day. I used to really enjoy it. I still do, but my life is beginning to feel like one of the episodes. I guess it's better that than some reality tv show bollocks.

I am thankful that I at least have my health, even though I have the reoccuring side effects from the concussion.

Thinking about Roy said in the vblog. It's beginning to sink in. What he said makes sense. Nothing much else to say. I hope everyone stays safe and stay off the roads, lot's of drunk unstable people driving today. Be thankful if you're spending the night at home with your loved ones.

Jack



<

I was feeling strange last night. I felt downtrodden. I was thinking about the people that I met during the last year and how they're no longer in my life. I was heartbroken. The accident seems unreal, I don't know what to think of Roy. Was he really involved in a similar accident or is he playing a game? Maybe he's behind the accident. There's so many things going through my mind.

I slept for 10 hours. I have so much work to do. Past assigments are untouched. I've been in a retrospective mood. I guess the saying 'The more things change the more they remain the same' is true. The one thing I've discovered through this journey of finding out what happened during my missing 3 days is how unreliable and flaky people can be. Humans only care about themselves no matter how much they say that they're 'always there for you'. What a load of bollocks. Where are you now? You're not there when I needed you.

Maybe it's the change in the season, or the weather. Fall used to be my favourite time of the year, but I don't know if I like the dampness and the fog. Maybe it reminds me of home. I haven't been to England for a few years, I know I should visit my mum and dad and my sister, but I can't. How can I sit in airplane when I can't even get behind the wheel of a car? I sit in the backseat of the taxi with a hood pulled over my head and a pair of dark sunglasses blocking my vision and an ipod filtering any ambient sounds from the real world.

Someone suggested that maybe I caused my own accident because I've been let down by the people in my life! I've been sad and depressed but I would never take my own life! Utterly ridiculous! More than anything I want to have the power to get out of the house and hopefully meet a woman and settle down. But that's not going to happen until I find out the cause of my accident.

I feel somewhat guilty over my response to Roy's video. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't be sure until I have evidence that he was in a similar accident, only then can I rest.

It's been almost a year since the accident. I need to get my life back together again before it's too late.

I'd like to thank the viewers of the site who have been sending me so many emails of support, especially Kathie. Thank You.

Jack

I hate Roy

I shouldn't hate people. But I can't help it. Roy has really gotten under my skin. He upsets me to no end. If you're reading this Roy where's your response? Are you afraid? You should be afraid of yourself. It's scary to think that someone like you is able to make up such a sick story. You need help Roy.

Funnily enough my constant rage at Roy or Ron or whatever his name has relieved my constant headaches. I would think that Roy's prank would have given me a throbbing headache, but I guess I was wrong.

We WILL continue this conversation Roy. Trust me.

engineer94701@hotmail.com

Who are you Roy?

I am upset. Seething. Who do you think you are Roy? Do you think this is a joke? I was in a car accident, I'm not looking for publicity! Prank? Having fun are we? I was in the hospital recovering for months, going through countless hours of physical therapy. Does this sound like fun Roy? Or whatever your name is. You are brainless, you need psychological help. It hurts me to receive emails like this! I thought that you were someone I could relate to. I should have listened to my gut instinct but you are taking advantage of the helpless. How DARE you poke fun of me? I have a headache ALL because of YOU! Is it fun making a disgrace out of someone's life? Do you take joy in making someone fell ashamed? DO YOU? I thought my life was OVER! I am TRYING to rebuild my life, but it is HARD! I believe in karma Roy Or whoever you are. Do YOU belive in karma? Probably not, you don't know what it means. But I believe in it. Everything that goes around comes around! You WILL BE PUNISHED ROY!

Are you happy that I'm crumbling away? Why does this keep happening to me? People tell me to 'be positive'. What a load of bollocks! You have no idea what my life has been like. It's been ONE CONSTANT disappointment! There's a pounding in my chest when I go to sleep, I always think that it's going to get better and it DOESN'T! I don't know why I bother to wake up in the morning! I have no energy. I sleep 15 hours a day. I just manage to scrape by. I don't know how I do it. A job here, a job there. Something has triggered a response in me. My life is empty, 5 months ago when I first posted the blog I thought I would find the answers to my questions but so far nothing. I'm tired to going to bed alone. I should have been married by now.

I don't know what I'm writing about, why am I sharing my life with you lot? Complete strangers. What are you going to do for me? I'm sorry, I'm in self pity mode. I apologize. What's wrong with me? I've been to therapy, complete waste of time, she was attractive, the therapist, I actually looked forward to the meeting, not because she was helping me, but it was nice to be around someone, someone to talk to. Did she help me? I don't know, she's not helping me with the accident, more like trying to show how smart she is with her education. She talks down to me quite often.

The police - same story as always. I haven't contacted them for months. I'm not going to bother, why should I? Hmm, it's fall, it used to be my favourite time of the year, but I really haven't noticed it until now. It doesn't make a difference really. I'm sorry, I've rambled on for much too long. I apologize. I'm still having headaches, concussion or whatever the doc said. It's doing me in. I have to leave the house but it takes so much energy, I'm always exhausted when I have to leave and I don't even drive. The taxi's are costing too much, especially in light of my work situation.

ROY'S EMAIL ADDRESS IS: engineer94701@hotmail.com TELL HIM WHAT YOU THINK!!!!

Jack

Accident victim and therapy

I still don't know what to think of Roy. I dunno what he wants, maybe I'm being a bit harsh, maybe he's in the same situation that I am.

I think I need therapy. I can't relax, I'm unable to drive. I have panic attacks. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle, my life is still in pieces waiting to be put back together again. Nothing is in logical order. There's no rhyme or reason.

I have nothing else to say.

Sorry,

Jack

Accident Victim

I don't what to say. I received this video two days ago. I was shocked. Roy's accident took place at the same location, six years earlier. The photo that I've been searching for suddenly shows up. I don't know what to make of it.

Roy is obviously not looking for publicity, I'm not even sure if that's his real name. He filtered his image, so I have no idea what he really looks or sounds like.

I hope he'll be able to help me out with the accident.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one.

Moving but where?

I want to move. It's time for a change. There's too many things frustrating me. I can't make any headway into my accident. My doc thinks that I'm crazy. No one believes me. I'm fed up with southern california. I don't know where I want to move. I think I should take a road trip, but the problem is that I haven't driven a car since the accident.

I haven't been on a date siince the accident ... I don't have anything in common with any women. I'm frustrated and lonely. Getting out of the area will be good, it'll bring me another perspective. I won't go back to the U.K. too expensive along with rising crime rates.

The world is a gloomy place, I don't make friends easily ... it's because I don't trust anyone. I pour my heart out when I meet a woman I really like and all I'm left with is heartache. I'm too old for this and I'm losing hope at a rapid pace. It's not a pity party but I'm feeling the stress. I guess it's true what doctor's say, having a wife prolongs your life. I've heard lots of people say that they're under stress with a wife! But it's better than being in my shoes.

It's the same thing night after night. I go to bed alone and I'm sad and bitter. I know there should be someone for me out there, a special woman, but I can't find her, at least I think she's 'the one', but she ends up hating me and I hate myself. I know it's not right to think just because you have feelings for someone that they should love you back, but I'm tired ... tired of myself.

I really want to go out and 'experience' more of life, but I'm able to in my present physical state. I can't walk very far, the numbness in my foot is getting worse. I exercise everyday, it's keeping me fit and slim, but I'm always tired.

The other day, I went to the store, with the taxi of course. There was an attractive cashier, she was flirting with me and I flirted with her. I should have asked her for her email, at least, but I've been so broken hearted that I left, feeling like a fool. Making too many excuses.

It's hard, but I'm trying.

December 23, 2005 ;Occurrences too many similarities.

I don't know what it is. So many things swarming in my head. I've been able to pick up some little jobs here and there, just enough to keep me going. I haven't left the house in 4 days. I have a headache that comes and goes. I'm surprised to find that I've uncovered yet another surveillance camera hidden in the neighborhood. I can't remember why I placed so many. Was it another research project that I was working on?

I wish I wrote everything down on a piece of paper. I don't own a PDA. Something else to carry I guess, useless for me. I don't know if my headaches are a result of the concussion, but it's getting worse.

I'm beginning to wonder what kind of person I really am. What's so fascinating about studying traffic? Why did I place a hidden camera at the end of the street? Was it to produce enough evidence of the speeding idiots who screech constantly at all times of the day? Is it the idiots who drive down the road with their radio blaring full blast? What am I turning into an old man in his 30s with nothing to do but see what everyone else is doing?

I finally opened the windows in my office for the first time today. Too stuffy. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid to look out the window, especially after all the similarities between my accident and other deadly accidents that happened on the 23rd of December.

I don't want to harp on about it. Take a look at the thumbnail video above for more answers.

I really need to wake up and a respectable hour. 10 am? It makes me feel like a bum. I'm not losing hope in the investigation, just laying about feeling sorry for myself.

Pathetic isn't it?

Deja Vu.

I was busy working around the house yesterday. Pushing myself too hard, my body is aching, but that's nothing compared to the mental anguish I'm going through. There's been many supporting emails coming from the readers, but nothing can compare to the heartache that I'm going through, especially late at night when I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep.

There are women in my life that I thought I was close to, at least I thought I was. One of them in particular said that she would 'always be there for me'. She's not here for me, she's flaky, I should have known better than to place my hope in someone who I thought was my friend, I've been there for her, not because I was expecting something in return. I like to help people, at least I did until recently. She doesn't call or let alone email me and it hurts, where are you when I need you?

There's another woman who was in my life, who could be gentle and sweet, then the next moment she was distant, clearly didn't want me around. When she heard about my accident she was concerned ... at least I thought she was. In her next email she was angry, upset. To make a long story short she doesn't want me in her life.

I'm not getting any younger ... I'm in my 30's, I thought I would have settled down by now, but that wish is becoming a distant memory. But it's nothing to the pain I feel in my heart, it's making me depressed, so depressed that I sleep for hours on end. It's effecting me physically as well. My hands are beginning to cramp up when I write. I'm constantly tired. I'm plagued by headaches. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to whomever is reading this. I don't want to ruin your day. I just needed someone to 'vent' to. I rarely venture outside the house, even with the taxi. I don't have the energy. It takes a lot out of me just to write these blogs lately ... I don't even care anymore ... the accident, my personal life, the heartache that I'm experiencing ... it feels like it's an ongoing deja vu. I know that I experienced it in the past, either in my nightmare or somewhere else and it's frustrating.

I hope things will get better for me.

The Enigma 23

My accident took place on the 23rd of December. The time on my wristwatch was frozen at 9:23. A co-incidence? Everywhere I go I see the number 23. For example for the past week each time I answer my email the number 23 pops up. Avant-Garde musicians with the number 23 in the composition appears. 23 hurt in a bus accident. 23 killed in an airplane crash.

I am familiar with the writer William S. Burroughs, but I forgot the 23 connection, I haven't heard about it in years ... I blame it on my concussion. I'm forgetful ... can't remember anything.

I just took a look at the time on the computer screen; 23!

Am I reading into things?

Thanks goes to Hiroshi who pointed the connection of the 23 enigma and my accident.

I won't be able to go anywhere without seeing 23. And now I hear that a movie is being made about the 23 Enigma. I wonder if it's going to be any good?

This 23 enigma thing is getting on me nerves. It's spooking me out. I've got to get out, clear me head. Take a deep breath.

I'm thinking I really have to start driving again. What am I going to tell the taxi driver? Just cruise around the city for an hour or so? I did like taking taxi's. But that thought only lasted a couple of days. It's not practical.

So many things to do. But I don't feel like doing anything. Just to turn on the computer can be an ordeal in itself. The only thing that keeps me going are the positive emails.

Thank you.

Wrecked Car

I've been wracking up a rather large amount of fees at the impound yard for my wrecked car. I should go there and retrieve the vehicle. But what am I going to do with it? Put it in my driveway? I'm still waiting to hear from the insurance company, fighting with them, going back and forth.

It's been almost a year and I'm still trying to get the replacement value.

I'm in no mood to look at what was once my 'new' car. More like a 'new' wrecked car.

Comment

I just want to say thank you for the comment by Jesse. I'm not a religious person but your words were very kind. My so called 'friends' haven't written to me lately, so I really appreciate your words of support.

Jack

Comment

I just want to say thank you for the comment by Jesse. I'm not a religious person but your words were very kind. My so called 'friends' haven't written to me lately, so I really appreciate your words of support.

Jack

Fall arrives and people are in a lousy mood

On a personal level, people who were in my life, and I emphasize 'were' are in a lousy mood. I have half a handful of 'associates', really just a small, very small amount of 'humans' who call me 'their friend' who have been constantly pouring all of their problems on me.

They know that I was in an accident, that I'm not in a 'stable' frame of mind when it comes to listening about the daily day to day insignificant matters of their lives.


I've asked them for help regarding the accident but they're much more interested in telling me why their lives are in the gutter. When I try to tell them about the accident they ignore me and walk away.

Not once did they visit me while I was in the hospital. Did they come to my home to see if I was ok? No. They didn't call, write ... absolutely nothing.

Complete strangers, fans of the site have been comforting me more than strangers.

It's been a huge effort for me just to leave the house. I think about all the time I spent tucked away in the confine of my room and what did I miss? Nothing. People are still greedy, selfish, arrogant creatures and I hate them for feeling like that.

This isn't some psycho-therapy session. I noticed more and more people who are acting this way.

The only thing I longed for was a female companion, but when I remembered the relationships I had in the past they all ended up like a row of dominoes, falling down into one another.

The human race is an empty vessel. I'm waiting for the day it sinks.

I'll be sure to be on dry land when it happens.

Taxi's

It still gets on my nerves whenever I have to leave the house. But at least I'm re-experiencing what it's like to be out in the sun.

Every morning is the same routine. I pick up the telephone and request that a taxi pick me up.

People have been asking me why don't I take the bus. No offense but there's too many strange people who ride the transit on any given day. I don't know about you but I don't like the idea of sitting at a bus stop, breathing fumes and fumbling for change or a bus pass.

I don't have the patience to look for the bus route. It's too nerve wrecking. I don't like to share the bus with others, I don't like the idea of the bus continuously stopping to pick up and drop off customers.

A taxi can take me to my destination in half the time as a bus. I don't know if I want to buy another car. I like the idea of someone being my driver. There's no stress on my part. I think about the money that I save; I don't have to fill in for gas, no car insurance, maintenance ... what a luxury.

I am nervous before the taxi arrives. I've been suffering panic attacks since the accident. Usually I do 30 minutes of stretches a day before I leave the house. It's good for my back, and I'm getting in shape. I need to take several deep breathes ... I thought about having a few stif drinks to relax me, but I haven't had a hard drink in years. I've seen too many friends and family members waste their lives in pubs. I don't want to me addicted to the 'devil's urine'.

This is the routine that I go through before I leave the house; I fumble for my keys as I close the door. I close my eyes as I head toward the sidewalk. I feel dizzy ... kneeling on the sidewalk the pain in my ears are intense as I hear the sounds of traffic and loud car stereos.

The sound from my heart overpowers any external sound I hear. Suddenly, in the distance I can see the taxi, my panic attack fades away as the yellow vehicle filled with the smell of stale cigarettes and day old donuts fill the air.

I climb in, close my eyes and relax.

At first it bothered me that the taxi driver had the radio on full blast. Inane music, commericals and talk radio. The sound of silence is hell compared to the sound of the rumbling stereo.

But why do I care? I have nothing to worry about, besides the taxi driver trying to take the long route to my destination.

I'm still angry over the way the doctor interrogated me the other day. It's the same routine that I'm getting from her and the police. They think I'm suicidal, on ambien ... it's frustrating.

But, on the other hand I have been receiving many email letters of support. Thank You. I still have much work to do. I'm getting my life back on track. I haven't been driving, but it angered me when I was sitting in the taxi cab the other day listening to the constant cries of ambulances, police cars and fire trucks, even a year ago it would be rare to hear sirens blaring constantly, but the times have changed, for the worse, there's so many idiots out there, lousy drivers, screeching tires, morons blaring their car stereo at night.

I need to come to terms with my anger and nightmares. Whenever I see a speeding driver I want him/her to be punished. I want them to realize what they're doing is wrong. But how can they when they're constantly on their cell phone?

I hate people who talk on their cell phones while they drive.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave home. It's made me more aggravated.

I left home



Anxiety ridden, in pain and breathless. This is how I felt early this morning laying in bed. I made an appointment to see the doctor. The doctor was available to see me this afternoon. I couldn't sleep. Was I ready to leave the house? What was I going to tell the doctor ... why I didn't return the phone calls ... missed dozens of appointments ...

I prepared the surveillance camera, rigged up inside a bag, tested it over and over. I've done it thousands of times before. Been in countless situations where my life was in danger but nothing prepared me for this. Pure and utter paranoia.

I called a taxi and constantly monitored the security cameras for the car to pull up. Finally the taxi arrived. I took a deep breath, pulled the hood over my head, sunglasses firmy planted and I made a quick dash to the car.

To the hospital I told the driver. The blaring noise from the radio made me sick, mentally and physically, banal commercials, the phoney announcers voice. I hate talk radio. It's repulsive. Does anyone really listen to this garbage?

The sounds of cars and traffic made me nauseous. People are driving bigger cars, careless, talking on their cell phones, no one pays attention to the traffic. All they care about is themselves. What is this society turning into? A dog eat dog world? It disgusts me. I should move to the mountains. Away from civilization.

After what seemed like eternity the car pulled up to the dreaded HMO ... I mean hospital. The death factory. A patient enters somewhat fine and they leave in a hearse. I won't mention what hospital I belong to, but they have a high fatality rate. All they care about is the bottom line. They don't give a damn about the patients.

Took a deep breath and made my way into the building. My heart was racing when I passed the security guard, an older clueless man who was busy looking at the women wearing the last remnants of mid drifts and revealing clothing.

I made my way past the guard to the front desk. $25.00 co-pay yes, I know, I've been through this dozens of times before. I should be an attorney, I can't count the number of times I had to read my hmo booklet. It makes a great read when you can't fall asleep. Luckily for me, I've never been forced to read it. I'm always tired at the end of the day.

I avoided the elevator, too many sick people, plus I like the exercise. Made my way into the doctor's office. I placed the bag on the table and pressed the record button. I was hoping that she would visit me soon, I didn't want the tape to run out.

Eventually, what seemed like eternity the doctor arrived. Attractive, mid to late 30's. Funny, I don't remember her. She treated me the morning I was brought in. She left a few days after I was brought in on pregnancy leave.

I won't go into details, you can watch the surveillance video for yourself. I was upset at the way she interrogated me. I felt like I was on trial. Disgusting. Psychiatrist, suicide, pills? What is this? Is she part of a set-up? Is she working with the police? What did I do to warrant this? They think I have some 'behaviour' problems.

I left the doctor's office in anger. Hailed another cab and ordered the driver to take me home.

I can't believe that this is happening to me. It sounds so bloody cliche', but I feel like I'm living a nightmare.

Leaving home was not as traumatic as I thought. But still, I don't want to have any part of society. It's going to fall apart. People will destroy each other. And I want to be prepared when it happens.

But first I need to find out the truth behind my accident. But I'm afraid I'm only holding the first piece of the puzzle in my hands.

Jack

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

I've been in a lazy mood today. I take that back, I tried to drum up some new business today, but that was a waste of time. Prospective clients want to meet me in person. What am I going to tell them? Go to my web site then you'll know why. Go ahead and scare them from the get go. It makes them curious why I don't want to see them in person.

I'm running out of excuses. I cough a few times and tell them that I have to go.

I saw a film on dvd today. 'Crash' by David Cronenberg. It made me depressed. It probably wasn't the best film to watch expecially considering what I've been through. But with a title like that ... I mean I am familar with the book ... the dvd is in my collection, I didn't know I had it ... strange.

I need to watch something that's going to make me feel good. What's on the telly ... I'm looking at the screen as you're reading this. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I think I'm going to sleep.

I care, but it's hard.

I'm gaining strength, physically, but mentally I'm doubtful. I opened the front door and walked out of the house last night for 2 minutes. It made me sick, I tried, but I broke out in sweat, covering my body, my shirt clung to my back.

But it's a breakthrough for me.

Upset

Reading the police report made me angry. I wanted to punch my fist through the wall, but to protect my fist and wall I didn't. I want to yell and scream at someone, but what am I going to do ... walk outside and yell at someone on the street? Knowing my luck I'll get arrested! Wouldn't that be ironic? I guess I'll have all the time to tell the police about what I think of their 'findings', bloody stupid report.

Today it hit me, it's been nine months since the accident ... nothing has happened ... yes, I spent several months in the hospital recovering. I put the blog up in June and still no clues. Did someone pull a prank on me? I know we live in a sick world but why would someone do something like that to me?

I've been in a lacklustre mood, tired, moody, anxiety ridden ... maybe it's the prescription medicine from over the border, but it's inexpensive and that's what counts.

I'm exercising on a daily basis, getting leaner, stronger. When I do leave the house I'll be ready for whatever comes my way. I've been thinking of things to say to the police. I don't want to mince words. I'll tell them off. Tell them what I'm thinking. I'm disappointed that I thought the police would help solve my case. What a joke. An absolute joke.

Hmm, gas prices are lower I see. All these months that I've spent shut in the house did me some good. I've been looking online for cars ... the car that I want is too expensive, but it has great safety features, curtain airbags, stability control. And the insurance rates are much better if you have the added safety equipment. It's one of the reasons why I'm still alive. I shudder to think what would have happened if I didn't have the air curtain airbags and stability control.

Is there a higher power that's responsible for my accident? Is there a reason? Or am I having a nightmare? I wonder how many others are out there like me, shut in the house because no one believes their story?

We'll see.

Not in denial.



I've been in a bad mood, which is good. I'm mad, angry, vicious at the way that I'm unable to find out the cause of my accident. I'm getting the run around from the police. I want to visit them in person and tell them that I'm a victim. What's holding me back? The sounds of stupid drivers on the road. Knowing my luck I'll get in a car and immediately I'll be hit by another idiot who is distracted while they're on their cell phone.

In my current state of anger it's probably not a good thing that I drive in a car. I've been looking online at taxi's, tons of funny vicious stories about bad taxi drivers. But what can I do? I need to buy another car, I've been talking to the insurance company ... I'll talk about it later, what a nightmare!

There's so many things I have to do ...

Frayed nerves

I really have to leave the house. The hospital has been leaving me dozens of messages, literally. They're beginning to haunt me. On the plus side my work is back to usual, even though I haven't left the house. I barely carry on. Lots of words of support. Thank you very much.

I think I'm ready to walk through the front door. Getting into a car is another story though. We shall see. I'm afraid I'll have to call a taxi ... not the best drivers ... I'm not looking forward to it. Happy thoughts, that's what I should think. I need to be happier, I'm tired of being a dour person. But after the things that I've been through ... no, that's a negative attitude and I don't want to think like that. Especially when I need to find out the cause of the accident.

The police I'm afraid have given up on my case. They think I'm a complete nutter. What else can I do? They asked me to come down to the police station to talk to the detective who's assigned to my case. I told them I can't leave because I'm still recuperating ... mentally, not so much physically. The officer on the phone had a confused tone in his voice. I think he was laughing at me, I could hear him mutter something incomprehensible to others in the office. I could hear the roar of laughter. I hung up the phone in anger and self-pity.

My family in England know about my accident ... we don't talk about anything in depth, same old talk. We speak without saying much of anything.

I've been doing my exercises on a daily basis. Stretches more like it ... it's been helpful, but there's days when I don't feel like doing anything. But if I want to become stronger I'll need to work out more often. I don't want to look like a muscle bound freak, I just want to be fit.

I've been eating better. Maybe it's been a godsend that I couldn't leave the house. No more junk food. Christ I'm getting lean. When I think about all the years I've abused my body eating that rubbish. Home cooked meals, lot's of vegetables. I haven't eaten things like takeout Chinese or pizza in months, I used to crave that garbage, not anymore.

I am going through changes, but I need to find the courage to investigate the accident on my own ... I know the police aren't going to help me.

Jack

Paranoid Paranoia


I'm in a black hole of desperation. Still in shock ... loneliness is creeping in. I'm in constant doubt about everything that's going on around me. Pouring my feelings into the latest blog has taken my mind of my depression. But it's only a temporary fix.

Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be ... I don't fit in society, I'm an outcast. I look around me and see all the couples, married, new romance and I get depressed. But then again I'm looking at a security monitor. I never leave home.

On the plus side I've been doing consultation work, so I don't need to leave home. But it's costing me alot of money to get the groceries dropped off at the front door ... but with the high cost of gas prices, it's probably saving me money ... hmmm, never thought about that.

Been watching a lot of films from netflix ... the police called the other day, they're still investigating, but I fear it's just a courtesy call.

Dunno why I've been in a writing mood today. It's been such a long time since I've posted a blog or a video. But it's been necessary, considering my recent plague of the black mood.

Traffic and selfish drivers.

I should go to the doc for a checkup. They probably think I'm dead. I feel guilty, after the all the help the nurses and staff provided me. But I still can't leave the house. Yes, I've become a recluse.

I've been studying traffic patterns. Can't believe how stupid people are when an accident takes place at the side of the road. That and selfish drivers. People who speed for no reason, other than to show off how fast their cars are. Stupid.

No news from the Police. Tired of wating. When I'm able to leave the house I'll do my own investigation. The only question is when I'll have the courage to be able to leave the house.

Pitfall

I'm still nervous about posting a vblog ... it's hard enough for me to write about the accident, but, since the police are still investigating the accident and the prospects of finding answers is slim, I have no choice but to investigate the accident myself.

Recovering

The heat is unbearable. The hospital has been calling me leaving messages reminding me about my check up. I've planted surveillance cameras around my neighborhood. There's so many idiots who speed down the street. I've been having nightmarish thoughts that one of those morons are responsible for my accident. I had thougths of crashing into their car at a high speed of acceleration, I quickly wake up sweating.

I'm not ready to get behind the wheel of the car, I can only imagine the rage that's building inside of me. Funnily enough i don't miss being outdoors ... there's nothing to miss. Idiots everwhere, they're parading around like they're expecting to have their own reality tv program. There's too much traffic ... loud noises bother me.

I'm in a constant rage ... I think it's the side effect of the pain medication ... when I turn on the TV to watch the news I find myself yelling at the screen ... murder, mayhem, police chases ... it's getting worse. I got so mad I threw the TV out the window ... the next day I came to my senses. I waited until night to retrieve the tv, luckily it was sitting in the shrubs. I don't know what I was thinking. The front glass is smashed, I had to call a glass shop, the installer came, late of course, I felt like he was interrogating me. I told him I'm in a bad mood, I sat in the back room until the idiot was finished installing the glass I paid him and sent him on his merry way.

I've been calling the police during the week, they haven't been returning my messages. I'm losing hope, I'm getting upset, I was smart enough not to leave a nasty message on the answering machine. I need to go to the accicdent site, to see if I can find some clues, since the police aren't helping.

I'm very depressed over my lack of findings over the accident investigation. In the middle of the night I feel that it's a dream gone horribly wrong ... when I wake up, I find my myself disappointed that it is real ... an ongoing nightmare. I haven't been reading my email for days now. It's hard to write this blog, I don't have the energy. I've been sleeping for most of the day. My life is slipping away.

No, I'm not suicidal, just frustrated at the lack of progress. In a way, I really don't care what happens.

Video Blog

I'm apprehensive about recording my life as a vblog ... but I need to find out the mystery of my car accident. It is good therapy for me though as strange as it may sound ...

I'm feeling exhausted, more than usual. Waiting to hear from the Police if they have any leads. I've received responses from a few readers. Thanks for your support. I'm trying to put myself together ... get the courage to leave the house and visit the doc, but it's really hard.

Working on the next vblog ... there is a reader who is confused. She's trying to figure out what I'm trying to 'get out of it'. The vlbog and web page is art therapy for me. I can't leave the house to film anything ... I can only film myself, and try to get the word out there about anyone who saw my accident. If it involves putting up a blog site or a vblog or myspace site or whatever else, whatever catches the attention of people, the more people I can inform about what happened to me.

I think it's a bit obvious if you look at the video that I'm not seeking any form of attention. If I was just posting the details of my accident to various sites, no one would know what I'm talking about, besides it's good therapy for me. It keeps me busy.

Talking about keeping busy, I do need to find some consulting jobs, but I can't, since I haven't been able to leave home. One of the reasons I can't leave home is because my leg is still healing, I need to keep off it as much as possible. Just walking to the bathroom makes me tired.

In Denial

The weather is unbearbly hot today .... it's only adding to my misery. The doc's office has left me several messages on my phone. I don't want to be there for a check-up. I should, but I'm afraid he's going to make me see the physical therapist again. Not looking forward to the pain.

I've been placing posts to various groups; paranormal, etc. The readers of those pages have an open mind, hopefully they'll have some leads.

I feel strange posting to various groups. I'm not looking for any attention whatsoever ... but I really need to find out what happened ... I'm baring my soul.

Didn't go to sleep until 2 am, I patiently wait in front of the computer for any emails from the public who might have seen something, someone abducting me, or if there were any signs of a bright light in the area.

4th of July is coming up, already, there's been tons of prats lighting firecrackers, it's making me nervous ... edgy. Can't sleep ... the only good thing about staying home is that I've been saving tons of money by not buying gas!

Been having my groceries delievered to me ... it's not cheap, but I can't deal with being in the bright sun, the sound of traffic and the sounds of cars roaring up and down the street. Especially where I live, there's so many 'beautiful people' walking up + down the street enjoying the 4th of July weekend. Normally I would enjoy seeing the assortment of beautiful women parading up + down the street but now ... all I car about is getting rid of the pain. But I suppose by looking out the window at the gorgeous women it is taking my mind of the accident.

Can't wait until nightfall ... it's 8:05 pm at the sun is going down ... but not fast enough. Think I'll call it an early evening.

"Dead for 3 days"

I was in a car acccident that took place on Friday, December 23 2005. I was driving home when I was suddenly blinded by several bright intense lights. I lost control of the car as it plunged 100 feet into the bottom of the canyon.

I woke up in a hospital bed seventy two hours later on the 26th of December.

When I woke up the doc said that I had a blow on the head and I was unconscious for several hours. He asked me if I had major surgery before the accident. I told him no, I've never been operated on in my life. He showed me fresh scars, wounds and stitches on my body that wasn't related to the accident.

The doc said that the scars were from a recent operation that was possibly done in the past seventy-two hours.

The surgeon found traces of an unknown metal. I suffered numerous injuries in the accident; shattered ribs, broken ankle, dislocated hip, concussion, broken left arm, burst ear drum, whiplash, fractured right wrist, dislocated right hip which later became infected with thrombosis.

I wore a neck brace for several weeks. My left ankle is 1/3 larger than it should be.

I was in the hospital for months. The ordeal was physically painful,

The accident took place on Trabuco Canyon Road in Orange County, California.

The area where the accident took place is very strange. You can be driving along a road with shops and homes, then the next minute nothing, absolutely nothing, at night it's very hard to see.

I haven't been to the hospital for a check-up, I don't want to leave the house. I spend the majority of my time investigating the accident.

I filmed myself for a vblog. I'm crawling up the wall in confusion. I want to know what happened to my missing three days.

I can accept the fact if I was sitting unconscious in my car, but someone or something abducted me and performed surgery on me ... I don't know why. I feel violated and humiliated. Just thinking about it makes me sick. I feel like I've been poked in the head. Headpoked.

If anyone saw anything mysterious on Trabuco Canyon Road on the night of December 23 2005 please contact me.

Nervous with anticipation of the unknown.

I've lived my life behind the lens of a camera so I don't have to come to terms with life.

I make videos to try to come to an understanding of what's happening around me. I know that my videos don't make sense to most people, but it's my form of art.

I'm into hidden forms of information. I used to be a Professor or Visual Anthropology ... I'm also a collector of the obscure. The plumber of esoteric reasoning. A librarian of the absurd.

Speaking of absurd ... I'm nervous. The car accident has left me in a state of constant shock. I won't go into the details of the car accident ... I will, eventually.

I'm weening myself off the pain killers. I don't like the idea of taking them, being dependent on something. If, what I'm saying doesn't make any sense, it will in the next few days.

I've been spending my time putting my web site up ... it's part art therapy and an investigation into my car accident ... I'm nervous with anticipation, as I don't know where this will lead me.

It's been good therapy keeping busy, putting the web page together ... but I'm still trying to get a grasp on trying to lead a 'normal life'. It's strange feeling the sunlight after I spent five agonizing months recuperating in the hospital.

The worse thing about the time spent in the hospital was the physical therapy ... painful and mundane ... everyday like clockwork, time for my medication. Physical therapy. I shouldn't grumble. I'm grateful that I'm ok, but I really need to find out what happened to me during the wreck.

I don't know who's reading this, but it makes me feel better just writing about it.

A 'blog' is an experiment. An entry into the unknown. The absurd. Initially I had doubts about the 'blog'. But any initial doubts of reason quickly faded away when I found out the facts of my accident.

Which is why I'm turning to the blog for help.

I've seen strange things in my life. Things that most of you, hopefully will never see.

You have no idea about the sickness that lays underground. Invisible to the naked eye. Greed, corruption, depravity, sickness ... it's one of the reasons why I keep myself shuttered away.

There is no place that I want to be. I prefer to stay here, alone in my thoughts.

The blog is a form of therapy, as well as an art and literary project ... an ethnographic documentary into the mystery of my accident.

I don't know who is going to read this. It feels strange. I'm not one to keep a 'diary'. But maybe it's something that will help me. I dunno.