! - 7/13/07

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! - 7/13/07

WARNING

I received this video in the P.O. Box the other day. How did the sender know the address of my P.O. Box?

Is this person behind the accident? it can't be a prank because I'm in the video. Although I have no knowledge of it.

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to post videos, I want no harm to come to my friends and loved ones. Especially Keren.

RESISTANCE - 7/6/07

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RESISTANCE - 7/6/07

I don't understand what this video is about. The viewer claims to be a police detective of some kind, so why can't he find out what happened to him? Why make a video about it? Is he some nutter? Or is he looking for his 15 seconds of fame? His last video convinced me that he was real, but I don't know what to make of his situation.

Then again you viewers probably think the same thing about me.

How depressing.

Jack - 7/2/07

'METAL BOX' - 6/29/07

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'METAL BOX' - 6/29/07

I'm tired of receiving emails from people who are angry that I'm driving an SUV. First of all I feel safe driving in my Range Rover. I'm always paranoid that someone is going to plow into my vehicle.

I don't feel safe driving a small car. I don't drive fast around curves. An SUV is a truck not a sports car.

I like the feeling of sitting high in the vehicle, I'm not a fast driver, but I am careful.

I don't talk on my cell phone while I drive and I am respectful of other drivers. So I'm not a 'Self-centered SUV driving idiot.

When I was living in the U.K. I owned several Land Rover 109's and Land Rover Defender 110's, so I am very familiar with the vehicle I also restored many 109's as a hobby. The Rover 109 had no creature comforts, it was a real truck. Unfortunately it's very expensive to obtain one of them in the states, plus they're not meant for everyday freeway driving.

I get enough grief from Keren who states how much she hates my car. Maybe I should have bought a Diesel vehicle and converted it over to Bio-Diesel.

Why should I feel bad? After all I need to feel safe. I only drive when I have to , I walk whenever I can.

Another viewer, another video. This one claims to have been in an accident on 10/23/04. Is this real or another nut job? I guess the title explains it all.

We'll see.

?DOUBTS? 6/15/07

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?DOUBTS? 6/15/07

This is Keren. Jack is under the weather. This is the first time that I've blogged on Jack's site. Although I'm not new to maintaining and uploading videos for him. I really don't know what to write ... everything you need to read is in the vblog. I really appreciate all the emails of support for Jack. Hopefully in a few days he'll be feeling better, but in the meantime there's so much work to do.

Keren

UNDER MY SKIN - 6/8/07

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UNDER MY SKIN - 6/8/07

It's hard to exist on a daily basis. Whenever I'm driving I suffer from anxiety attacks. It's the same whenever I'm in public.

People are greedy. They care only for themselves.

I'm fed up with the world. It's become an ugly place. It's sad to say that I can't find beauty in nature. It has ceased to exist for me.

I have no faith in mankind. Civilization will come to an end. I just hope that I won't witness it.

Crawl under with me

OVERLOADED - 6/1/07

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OVERLOADED - 6/1/07

Another video by Roy. His video is strange. I find it unnerving. Jolting to the senses. I don't know what he's trying to accomplish.

Disturbing.

SUICIDE AT BEACHY HEAD - 5/25/07

Richard - The Paranormal Videographer sent me another video.

Apparently there was a suicide. Someone drove their car off Beachy Head on the south coast of England in East Sussex. It's roughly 500 ft above sea level, it's also the U.K.'s premier place to commit suicide.

According to Richard it wasn't a suicide but an accident with a certain number 23. Sound familiar?

Where's Roy when you need him?

RE/MOVED - 5/18/07

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RE/MOVED - 5/18/07

Keren's friend is a good realtor indeed. Absolutely fantastic! She sold my home in 5 days! The buyer was approved, we had a short escrow.

I bought an old manufacturing plant, very secure. It's 12,000 sq. feet, security cameras surround the premise. It feels like a bomb shelter. My room is deep in the recess of the cavernous factory.

I'm not going to blog about the moving van, you can see the vlog. But I'm still mad. I felt like having a pint that night, but I'm not one to get pissed.

I have lot's of room. I can make all the noise I want without upsetting the neighbors. Well, there are no neighbors per say.

I have lots of room for the Mini-Cooper truck, my Range Rover and a 4,000 sq. foot library! I'm also moving my media room/library into another large room.

The only thing I'm concerned about is heating my room. But I paid next to nothing for the building so I really can't complain about it.

Dust is everywhere. I'm allergic to dust, it's in my throat. The dust gives me a dry throat.

Keren loves the new dwelling. She wants to move into one of the 2,000 sq. foot rooms. I'll see about that. But it might be nice to have a room mate. Keren is lovely. But I do need my privacy.

I'll be unpacking for the next year. If I'm lucky I'll have everything done in a month.

SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT - 5/13/07

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Scene of the accident

Keren convinced me to go ... I haven't been to the site since the accident ... I couldn't sleep, I was restless and nervous. Sod it I thought, let's get it over with.

I don't remember a thing from the accident, everything looks different during the day. At night the area is dark, lot's of winding roads. Keren took a look at the police report and told me where to turn off.

I parked the car and took a walk to the scene of the accident. Strange, it seems serene, but Trabuco Canyon Rd. is anything but peaceful. Within a few yards there is a memorial to someone who passed away - car accident. A couple of miles away another memorial. Just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine.

Dry brush litters the landscape, it's possible for someone to crash his/her car and not be noticed for months. There are dozens of cars that litter the bottom of the canyon.

It was hard to pinpoint where the car crashed, tire marks are non-existant due to rain and the growth of dry brush.

I was fearing this day for months, but thanks to Keren I overcame my nightmares, but I'm still not any closer to finding out what the cause of the accident is.

'CATATONIC' - 5/6/07

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'CATATONIC' - 5/6/07

I received another video from the doctor at the
Stuttgart-Stammheim Prison in Germany.

The Patient was in a car crash 6 months ago with
injuries similar to my accident; recent surgical scars,
loss of time, bright lights blinding him, etc.

A copy of the 23 photograph was found at the scene of the accident.

This is the second car crash patient residing in the Stuttgart-Stammheim Prison.

I hope the doctor will be able to find out what really happened.

' PARAMNESIA' - 4/29/07

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PARAMNESIA - 4/29/07

Keren and I spent the weekend relaxing. I've been under a lot of stress lately, so we decided to go to the beach. As usual I brought the video camera with me. It's my 'security blanket' I guess.

On the way to the beach I saw a man speaking to a reporter, his associates stood behind him. It looks like they just left a business meeting. There are several large buildings near the beach. I don't know who the man is, but I feel that I've seen him before, so I kept the camera in my 'surveillance camera bag'.

I should have approached him, but I didn't know what to say, when I did have the courage the reporter left as did the man into a waiting SUV.

I'm hoping that the interview surfaces on tv or the internet.

I'm certain that I met him somewhere in the past. It's beginning to bother me.

I've seen this man before, but I don't know where or when.

Is this a case of deja-vu, or am I dreaming?

AGITATION - 4/22/07

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AGITATION

I've been in a restless mood. I stared at the camera with absolutely nothing to say. I've been looking at the car crash surveillance tape over and over. I don't know ... I guess I'm looking for new clues ...

Keren's been helping me look for a place. Her friend is a realtor who explained to me that the housing market has slowed down significantly during the past few months. At least she's honest. Yes, I'm going to move. I'm looking around at different places in the area, I like the city where I live, but I definitely need a secure place, a bunker would be more like it.

I like my neighborhood, it's a great place to live, there's small mom and pop stores and cafes, a local record shop, video stores ... it's a nice place, so if I can find a place that has a security gate i.e. underground parking, security guard, that would be great.

If I can make some money off the sale of my home then I can afford something small. I need room for my camera equipment and books.

I should move into a warehouse if it was legal. If there was a warehouse that was for sale ... but I can only imagine what kind of area it must be in ... pollution, fumes from nearby factories ... crime.

Business has been picking up, especially now that I can drive. But I try to avoid the freeway at all cost. I have to take it a step at a time.

Keren is still upset that I bought the Range Rover, but I do feel safe in it. Whenever we have to drive anywhere we take her car.

A reader asked me how I retrieved my tape back from Keren. Well ... it wasn't easy, but Keren is a kind person. After 5 minutes she cooled down and picked me up. The tape was still rolling ... but we didn't talk for the drive back (20 minutes).

I would never hurt Keren's feelings. She's been so helpful and I appreciate everything that she's done for me. I can't express how much I depend on her.

Hopefully everything will work out. I'm listing my house at a reasonable price. I'm not asking an arm and a leg for it. I'm a realistic person. But I'm definitely not looking forward to moving!

The last time I moved was 7 years ago and that was from London! I was exhausted for months!

Jack

SET ABLAZE - 4/15/07

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SET ABLAZE!

This image was recorded on my surveillance cameras. I was shocked to find out that a car thief picked my driveway to abandon the stolen car. I was equally disturbed to find him hacking the car with an ax, then setting it ablaze! The car thief then smashed the surveillance camera with his fists.

The part that disturbs me the most is when the police handed me a photo of the 23 image. They have no clues, but they are working on it.

I've had enough. I want to move. I'm going to see a realtor and put my house on the market, but considering how homes are no longer selling like they once were, I'm worried. But I need to move. I don't know how these people are finding out where I live, but I need to find somewhere safe as soon as possible.

She Hates My Car - 4/8/07

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'Buying Power'

I bought a new SUV today ... a Supercharged 2007 Range Rover.

It's powered by a 400-hp 4.2 litre Supercharged V8. It's built like a tank.

I told Keren I didn't want to be driving around in a small car ... I don't feel safe.

I have to admit I felt a bit guilty about driving a gas guzzling truck that only gets 13 miles per gallon, but it makes me feel confident when I'm behind the wheel. Safety is a priority with me. I can live with the high gas bills.

So please don't send me any death threats you eco terrorists.

The truck is so high I can see the top of Mount Everest from where I'm sitting.

If anyone hits me they're dead.

It's an amazing piece of machinery.

I plan to visit the accident site soon. I don't know how I'm going to feel when I get there.

It's been on my mind constantly. I guess it's something I have to deal with.

Patient O.T. - 3/30/07

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PATIENT O.T
CELL BLOCK 'Y'

Justizvollzugsanstalt Stuttgart-Stammheim

A very strange video. I believe that this is real.

The doctor (prison Psychiatrist) sent me a very detailed email. Apparently Patient 'O.T.' spent time in an asylum after the accident. Before the accident he led a normal life as an economics student.

Excerpt from the email:

'The Patient was missing for 3 days. This was confirmed by his family and the authorities. A missing person's report was filed. Patient O.T. regained consciousness a week later. His injuries were shockingly similar to yours. Recent surgery in the past 72 hours. Body injuries unrelated to the accident. A photo of the number 23 found at the accident site'.

'A few months after the accident, the Patient had delusions that he was a member of the Red Faction Army (RFA). He was convinced that the (Deutschland) 'right wing' Government was behind the accident. Patient O.T. suffering from paranoia and schizophrenia, attacked several Psychiatrists. After the Patient escaped, he set off several homemade bombs at the offices of mental health groups'.

The email totals 7 pages. I will post the rest of the letter in the future.


Jack

Discipline - 3/23/07

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BLOGGING AS THERAPY?

While I was recuperating in the hospital I read an article from a therapist who claimed that blogging is good for people who are in 'times of crisis'. It's the ultimate diary, albeit it's also read by thousands of people.

Has blogging helped me at all? In certain ways yes. I've been corresponding with intelligent and caring people. i.e. Keren, also, hello to Ratopia, Earlywyrm, Alien, etc.

As far as Roy and Richard (The Paranormal Videographer) goes. I'm still on the fence.

There are people who have been accusing me as someone who is 'Seeking attention'. If I were, then why would I filter my face and voice? If I were the type of person who wanted to 'be in the public eye', I would plaster my unfiltered face and unaltered voice all over the internet!

Blogging is a strange experience!

The Paranormal Videographer - 3/16/07

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'The Paranormal Videographer'

Another video from a reader. Is he a complete nutter? For a 'professional' videographer the audio is horrible. Tons of audio drop outs. But there are few things which he said which intrigues me. Mainly his car accident in Germany. The sighting of the number 23.

Keren and I saw 'The Number 23' in the theatre last week. What a joke, utterly horrible, absolute rubbish. Bollocks I say. The filmmakers said nothing about William S. Burroughs, who really noticed the 23rd Enigma. Just another stupid and wasteful Hollywood piece of cardboard cut out trash. I did get a good nap though. But not at the expense of $10.00 per ticket!

Back to Richard (the Paranormal Videographer) I appreciate that you sent me the video, but I hope you will be able to tell something which is relevant to the accident.

I hope this isn't a trend where I'm going to be receiving dozens of videos a week.

Fix your audio mate!

Jack

DEATH THREAT STALKER

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Death threat stalker

Who is this person? What do they want?

Before the accident I hid surveillance cameras around my neighborhood. I did it as an ethnographic film experiment. I wanted to treat the film as an ongoing 'hidden security camera' project. My ultimate goal was to have other ethnographic filmmakers around the world hide hidden surveillance cameras where they live and have a web page where the entire world can be seen at once.

Every event, every and anything that takes place can be recorded for eternity.

It was just an idea.

But what confuses me is how the person in the video knew what neighborhood I live in. And how this person knew where I hid the camera. Is this person behind the accident?

I need to know.

Friendly Fire? 2/26/07

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FRIENDLY FIRE?

Is Roy the enemy or a confidant? I don't know. My mind is confused.

Sorry ... Webisode 34

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I've received dozens of emails telling me how cruel and insensitive I've been to Keren on Valentine's Day. Yes, I agree. I have been very selfish and angry towards her. She's been very helpful and look how I treated her.

Being the ill mannered boor I am, I realized the errors of my way and I brought a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. I took her to a nice intimate cafe for dinner.

Keren has been the light in my months of darkness. I'm very happy that she's in my life. Thanks to Keren I've slowly been able to get behind the wheel of a car. I'm taking it step by step, but with her help I'm confident that I'll be able to drive by myself soon.

Thank you Keren and thank you to the reader of the blog.

- Jack

MAN + A WOMAN ARGUE ON VALENTINE'S DAY

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FEB. 14TH VALENTINE'S DAY.

What I did on the most romantic day of the year:

Keren took me out for a drive in her car, early this morning. Very early - 5 am. She forced me to drive. The last time I was behind the wheel was on the night of Dec. 23 2005.

It was good that we went driving very early in the morning. Less nutters on the road.

Needless to say I was very nervous. We argued.

I was nervous driving, sort of like riding a bike for the first time. I was awful behind the wheel and to Keren as well.

Well, I grumbled and moaned. Keren was a trooper.

I forgot it was Valentine's Day until Keren dropped me off. I didn't say anything. She looked sad and sped off.

I looked at the newspaper and read the date.

I have to buy Keren flowers and a box of chocolates.

I'm a true romantic.

What kind of car should I buy?

If I'm able to drive that is. It's been well over a year since I've been behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. Will I be able to stand the masses of morons who drive the pavement on a daily basis? I guess the real test will begin.

What sort of car should I buy?

Do I BUY A CAR THAT'S:

Comfortable?
Safe?
Good on petrol?
Fast?
Stylish?
Sporty?
Sexy?
Reliable?

Do I buy a:

Compact?
Saloon?
Mini-Van? (gasp)
Sports Car?
Pick-Up Truck
SUV (hiss)
Hybrid? (hmmm)

So many choices.

Please help me make a decision.

Thank You.

Jack

WHO I TRUST?



I trust:

My family

Keren


WHO I DON'T TRUST:

Whoever was responsible for my accident.

Roy

People I don't like

The Stress of Driving - Webisode 30

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I hate driving and drivers.

I have a dual citizenship. My parents were on vacation (both U.K. natives) visiting some relatives who had just recently moved here (Southern California - 1966) when I was born.

I moved to the U.K. when I was a month old. I visited the states several times growing up visiting relatives. Traffic from what I can remember was non-existant, my family would look forward to driving on the freeway any day of the week just for fun.

Fast forward 30 + years. Traffic is horrendous. I can't stand driving, I haven't been behind the wheel since the accident. There's overpopulation in California, developers are too greedy and there's too many people driving big SUV's, which I can't stand.

Where do I go? My world is small. Anywhere I can walk or take a taxi - strict budget. Which leaves me to my local corner market and bookstore. That's it.

I'm nervous because Keren is going to take me driving today. I've never been behind the wheel with her. Will she be driving too fast? Is she the type who speaks on her cell phone while she drives? Does she not pay attention? Or is she a slow driver who insists on staying in the fast lane?

I guess there's only one way to find out.

Please let her be a good driver.

Jack

Esoteric

12,000 books. They're taking up space in my guest bedroom. It's out of control. Help!

I was aimlessly wandering around my garage for an answer about the infinite possibilities one might encounter searching for free entertainment on the internet. Then by chance? A book mysteriously fell into my obscene hands.

'Against Method' by Paul Feyerabend, who defended the idea that there are no methodological rules which are used by scientists. Feyerabend viewed that science would benefit from a 'dose' of theoretical anarchism.

Feyerabend was also critical of falsificationism. He argued that no interesting theory is ever consistent with all the relevant facts.

Why am I telling you this? Perhaps it's the change of weather (the 'apocalypse' is really the greenhouse effect), I used to hate warm weather and the sun (being the cheery Londoner that I am!) Perhaps I'm getting older (I am) but I do like the warm weather and the sun!
Searching for a place of recluse in my garage, which has always been my favourite place of the home. I imagined that this will be my place for free and clear thoughts.

I have been engrossed in 'Against Method' I don't recall 'obtaining' the book. It has not been cataloged by me. There is no receipt.

I am confused. I ponder questions like this on a seemingly increasing daily basis.
Was the book placed in my hands by accident? How did it fall into my hands? There were no boxes which were open. Everything is enclosed in a Rubbermaid sealed container. Thanks Rubbermaid!
I think it is a sign of things to come.
One as myself needs to experience more theory on a daily basis. I also need to assimilate myself in the warmth of the sun, without getting overexposed in the seemingly crowded path of human obsolescence.
Sorry for rambling on. I really miss the sun today.
I need warmth.
Conspiracy theorists unite.
Jack.

Meeting Keren




It's been a strange year. I was apprehensive meeting Keren, but I have nothing to lose. She see's my face, I don't care. I've lost my privacy. I can't hide forever, if she's going to help me I have to trust her. I need to trust other people. This is the first step back into the world.

We met in the park. It was a surprising meeting. This is going to be a good year. I'm going to find the answers that I'm looking for.

Jack

Who is she?

Is she a black widow in disguise? That's what I first thought when she first sent me an email.

But that's not the case. I don't open up very easy. Well I haven't ... I used to be friendly and outgoing ... but that was ages ago.

It looks like it's going to be a good year. I'm really looking forward to it.

I have to go now. I'm going to meet someone. Watch the vlog.

Happy New Years!

Jack

KEREN

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I received this video from a reader named Keren. She's been helpful with research, I don't need to write about it, look at it for yourself.

12/23/06

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December 23, 2006

I had a good day today. Visited some car dealers. Pretended to buy a car. Climbed into their skull and rummaged around. It was fun messing about with the abundance of air in the space that would usually occupied with their brain.

DAMAGED GOODS

I hate car dealers. I consider them a notch below murderers. They would sell their new born child if they could make a deal. The service department is just as bad or even worse.

Yes I'm angry. What a joke. A 'new' car? I'm looking at the internet to see what I can buy. I DON'T want to go to another car dealer.

Dunno know what else to say. I'm tempted to say the name of the car dealer, but I can't. Load of scum bags, bollocks, wankers.

I should have listened to my instincts, this was the first new car that I've purchased, I always purchased used cars. My last vehicle was a Volvo Estate with over 564,000 mi.

The only reason why I bought a new car is because the Estate had major rust and the tranny needed a rebuild, plus the chassis was literally rusting away. Not very safe to say the least.

I have a complete workshop in my garage, a bit of machine tools here and there. I've got a collection of spanners. I've got another vehicle in the garage, a 1963 Austin Mini Cooper Pickup that I brought over from the U.K. I completely restored it here in the states, but it's not registered, it's strictly a project car. Plus it's too dangerous to be driving, especially with all the nutters on the road. You've got to be a right twit to be driving something like this on the road.

I should have bought another used car and fixed up meself. Thought it would 'nice' to have a 'new car'. Stupid bastard.

I've learned a lesson. ALWAYS trust your instincts!

Vehicle R.I.P.



Almost one year ago I was driving a brand new car. Close to a year later my car with 400 miles sits in a paint/body shop. The technicians are inspecting the car to see if it can be rebuilt.

I don't want a rebuilt car, I want the insurance to replace my car. Granted the car is a year old, it's still 'new', but I don't want to be driving around in a car that was in a wreck.

I can't bear to look at my once new car. I guess it's my fault that I forgot about the car in the impound yard, even thought they constantly called and sent me letters. It feels like I shut off the outside world, and not by choice.

I've been walking to the corner market to buy my necessities, it only takes me 5 minutes to walk back and forth. It's good therapy, and I don't need to take the taxi, but even though it's only a 5 minute walk the sound of roaring cars still scares me.

It does feel good to take a breath of fresh air, and one day I know that I'll drive again, but I don't know when that's going to be.

I would like to go to the movies and to the bookstores, but I can't walk there, and I can't afford to take another taxi, it's draining my bank account, even though I'm doing some odd research jobs at home, which helps. A reader suggested I take the bus, thank you for the tip but I don't like taking the bus, there's some nice people on board, but the majority of bus riders are dangerous and deranged. I don't mean to write something demeaning, especially about people who can't afford to buy a car or are unable to, but I fear for my safety when I'm on a bus, and I feel sorry for normal people who take the bus to and from work everyday, especially mothers with young children. It's not the safest method of transportation.

I'm really hoping that the auto body estimator will write off my car as a complete salvage so I can buy myself a new car. Not that I care about cars, to me they're nothing but transportation, nothing else. I'm not in love with my car. As long as it gets me to and from my destination, I'm fine.

Impound yard for 1 year?

This thought suddenly hit me while I was laying in bed on Saturday at 6 am. I've never been this careless, I've very punctual, but this isn't like me. I don't like to make excuses, but I blame it on my concussion.

I haven't been thinking logically, it must be a side effect of having a concussion. I scrambled to find the name of the impound yard where my car was, 8 am, I called them, the phone rings continuously until the 15th ring, someone answers, by 9 I arrive in a taxi, with some cash from the ATM and a bag I make my way over to the window of the impound yard and pay a hefty fund of back fees ( I could have bought a good, a very good used vehicle for what they charged me in impound yard fees!).

But it is my fault for not being more 'with it'. I open the door to what was once my new car. I'm here for one thing and one thing only - the digital recorder hidden in the back panel quarter of the car.

I installed hidden cameras in the car the day I purchased it. There's still hidden cameras that I placed around my neighborhood that I'm only now discovering! I must have been working on a visual anthropology project but I can't remember.

I couldn't breathe when I came home and plugged in the digital video recorder into the computer.

I don't need to tell you everything that's on the video, but my eyes are wide awake. I contacted the police and made a copy of the video for them to investigate. It's been almost one year since the accident happened. Will I be able to find out what happened? Did I place cameras in places that I don't remember?

I wish I could think clearly, I know I need to someone for help, real help, no psychiatrists or therapists or 'life coaches', I need to see someone who can help me see clearly! The answer is out there I just need to find it. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack, but I can find the haystack and eliminate each piece one by one until I find it!

I'm upset that someone caused my accident and I'm angry that someone pulled me out of the car, but the question is why?

December 23 is coming up right around the corner, time flies. And I'm not getting any younger.

I hope the new year is going to work out for me. I need to make a change and find some answers!

- Jack

Meeting the Psychiatrist.

I'll tell you what you can't see in the video. I definitely have not seen this woman before! Actually she was quite pretty, I was distracted. However I did confront her about this entire situation being staged or some sort of prank.

Of course she denied, being a mental health care professional I was surprised that she exploded into rage (maybe she needs to see a therapist). I looked around the room for any sort of clues. Nothing out of the ordinary. Pictures of her on vacation with her beau. A calendar on the wall, very conservative paintings on the wall (to make the patients feel at ease I suppose.

The room was rather small, the front office was equally as small. The Psych. desk was cluttered with papers, she didn't seem to be very organized, more disorganized than anything. It wouldn't win any kudos for it's use of space or interior design!

I did some research on the Psych. it turns out she's been at this particular location since 2002, before that she worked at a hospital. Nothing out of the ordinary.

During our hour long session she treated me like I was a prisoner, a criminal. Thankfully she took a break to use the loo.

I looked around the office. I inspected it for more detail. I was extremely cautious, she could have installed security cameras. I'm sure a patient has tried to attack her on more than one occasion.

There was several badly plastered and painted sections of the wall around the room. It looked like someone either threw their fist where her head once was or someone picked up a chair and threw it at her and missed.

The blinds in the room was dirty and worn out. It looked like she jumped out of the one story room more than once. Either that or she was using the screen less window as an ash tray. I did manage to take a peek outside the window, sure enough it was littered with cigarette butts, it looked like she threw the contents of her ash tray out the window. Don't you just love people who care for the environment?

The paint on the wall was a drab off white, horrible paint scheme, one would think that a psychiatrist would paint the walls with soothing colors or at least consult with an interior designer! But what would I know, because I've never been to a psychiatrist before!

There was something that puzzled me, there was a photograph, very old that was stuck halfway, sort of placed in a drawer at the last minute. The photo looked like it was taken in the mid 70's of two men, around 30 or so, standing, smiling in front of a brand new car, a Land Rover 109 5 door. In the background dozens of cars filled the massive building; several men wearing suits stood in the background of what looked like a car dealership, dozens of vehicles - a Mercedes 600 series saloon, a Range Rover, several Jaguar saloons and several men of Arab origin in the background inspecting the car.

I tried to take a shot with my surveillance camera but the psych. entered the room, somewhat suspicious. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I wanted to be sure that she was on the up and up.

She was definitely a chain smoker, she said she had another client and was rushing me to hurry up.

The secretary was much more chatty, more down to earth, through clueless, she's only been working there for 2 weeks, so I couldn't ask her anything in detail. I was in the midst of asking her out for a cup of coffee when lo and behold the Psych. appeared tapping here feet and demanding that miss secretary retrieve some files for her on the next patient.

Hopefully for my follow up I'll be able to delve in further.

I'm still not driving, but being angry at what's happening I haven't been noticing my surroundings. I've been more at ease, probably because I'm furiously been trying to find out what's going on.

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'PROOF' - VBLOG



As if it couldn't get any weirder. The police contacted me a few days ago ... it's all explained in the video. I don't know what to think. Maybe I shouldn't think. X-mas is around the corner and I've been buying gifts for my family. No gifts for the remaining few friends I have, or had. But let's not get negative here. I've been writing nothing but self-pity blogs to you lot over the past several months and I must apologize. The first and foremost thing on my mind is my accident investigation, but what the police showed me on the video is just plain weird! It's a black comedy. What would Kafka think?

Back to X-mas. I need to keep my mind occupied.

Well, the great things about shopping online - no lines, no gift wrapping, no problems looking for parking. I really used to like X-mas shopping with me mum dad and younger sis. We used to spend hours shopping on Oxford Street, looking at all the stuff we couldn't afford. Me mum looking at Selfridges. Me dad looking at the electronic shops. Then we'd head over to Portobello Road so me and me younger sister could look at all the new LP's at Virgin Records (no megastore back then, just a bunch of hippies making a ton of quid off of Mike Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells') I used to spend hours looking at the LP covers. ( no kids, we didn't have cds or downloadable itunes bollocks back then!)

For an afternoon laugh we'd make our way to the King's Road to poke fun at the punks. I remember one particular afternoon in December of 1977 when the Punks and the Teds were beating each other up. The punks were no match for the Teds, the Teds were older and handy with their fists. How the punks could get around in their bondage trousers was beyond me!

All in all it was a happy time, me parents would get me an Action Man, me dad a new soldering gun (he was an electronics hobbyist) me younger sister a new doll and me mum a new dress.

Yes it was fun growing up in the 70's in Britain. I won't go into detail about the trash strike in the long hot summer of 76', British Leyland going bust, record levels of unemployment, I didn't give a toss about all that. I was a kid and I was having fun. I shudder to think having kids in this environment.

Maybe I should have stayed in London, I would be taking the tube to work everyday and I wouldn't be in a car accident. Not unless there was a derailment on the tube. But that doesn't happen very often.

This was supposed to be a happy blog about the joys of X-mas and I ended up talking about trash strikes, bankrupts British companies and the terror of kids.

I'm signing off before it gets worse.

- Jack

Numb recovery

PTSD therapy group, what a joke. Absolute rubbish. I went to a support group 2 days ago. See the video. Hope everyone is having a safe and happy thanksgiving. I'm staying at home where it's safe and warm with no traffic. I remember as a child visiting my mum's relatives here in the states. Re-runs of 'The Twilight Zone' would be shown all day. I used to really enjoy it. I still do, but my life is beginning to feel like one of the episodes. I guess it's better that than some reality tv show bollocks.

I am thankful that I at least have my health, even though I have the reoccuring side effects from the concussion.

Thinking about Roy said in the vblog. It's beginning to sink in. What he said makes sense. Nothing much else to say. I hope everyone stays safe and stay off the roads, lot's of drunk unstable people driving today. Be thankful if you're spending the night at home with your loved ones.

Jack



<

I was feeling strange last night. I felt downtrodden. I was thinking about the people that I met during the last year and how they're no longer in my life. I was heartbroken. The accident seems unreal, I don't know what to think of Roy. Was he really involved in a similar accident or is he playing a game? Maybe he's behind the accident. There's so many things going through my mind.

I slept for 10 hours. I have so much work to do. Past assigments are untouched. I've been in a retrospective mood. I guess the saying 'The more things change the more they remain the same' is true. The one thing I've discovered through this journey of finding out what happened during my missing 3 days is how unreliable and flaky people can be. Humans only care about themselves no matter how much they say that they're 'always there for you'. What a load of bollocks. Where are you now? You're not there when I needed you.

Maybe it's the change in the season, or the weather. Fall used to be my favourite time of the year, but I don't know if I like the dampness and the fog. Maybe it reminds me of home. I haven't been to England for a few years, I know I should visit my mum and dad and my sister, but I can't. How can I sit in airplane when I can't even get behind the wheel of a car? I sit in the backseat of the taxi with a hood pulled over my head and a pair of dark sunglasses blocking my vision and an ipod filtering any ambient sounds from the real world.

Someone suggested that maybe I caused my own accident because I've been let down by the people in my life! I've been sad and depressed but I would never take my own life! Utterly ridiculous! More than anything I want to have the power to get out of the house and hopefully meet a woman and settle down. But that's not going to happen until I find out the cause of my accident.

I feel somewhat guilty over my response to Roy's video. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't be sure until I have evidence that he was in a similar accident, only then can I rest.

It's been almost a year since the accident. I need to get my life back together again before it's too late.

I'd like to thank the viewers of the site who have been sending me so many emails of support, especially Kathie. Thank You.

Jack

I hate Roy

I shouldn't hate people. But I can't help it. Roy has really gotten under my skin. He upsets me to no end. If you're reading this Roy where's your response? Are you afraid? You should be afraid of yourself. It's scary to think that someone like you is able to make up such a sick story. You need help Roy.

Funnily enough my constant rage at Roy or Ron or whatever his name has relieved my constant headaches. I would think that Roy's prank would have given me a throbbing headache, but I guess I was wrong.

We WILL continue this conversation Roy. Trust me.

engineer94701@hotmail.com

Who are you Roy?

I am upset. Seething. Who do you think you are Roy? Do you think this is a joke? I was in a car accident, I'm not looking for publicity! Prank? Having fun are we? I was in the hospital recovering for months, going through countless hours of physical therapy. Does this sound like fun Roy? Or whatever your name is. You are brainless, you need psychological help. It hurts me to receive emails like this! I thought that you were someone I could relate to. I should have listened to my gut instinct but you are taking advantage of the helpless. How DARE you poke fun of me? I have a headache ALL because of YOU! Is it fun making a disgrace out of someone's life? Do you take joy in making someone fell ashamed? DO YOU? I thought my life was OVER! I am TRYING to rebuild my life, but it is HARD! I believe in karma Roy Or whoever you are. Do YOU belive in karma? Probably not, you don't know what it means. But I believe in it. Everything that goes around comes around! You WILL BE PUNISHED ROY!

Are you happy that I'm crumbling away? Why does this keep happening to me? People tell me to 'be positive'. What a load of bollocks! You have no idea what my life has been like. It's been ONE CONSTANT disappointment! There's a pounding in my chest when I go to sleep, I always think that it's going to get better and it DOESN'T! I don't know why I bother to wake up in the morning! I have no energy. I sleep 15 hours a day. I just manage to scrape by. I don't know how I do it. A job here, a job there. Something has triggered a response in me. My life is empty, 5 months ago when I first posted the blog I thought I would find the answers to my questions but so far nothing. I'm tired to going to bed alone. I should have been married by now.

I don't know what I'm writing about, why am I sharing my life with you lot? Complete strangers. What are you going to do for me? I'm sorry, I'm in self pity mode. I apologize. What's wrong with me? I've been to therapy, complete waste of time, she was attractive, the therapist, I actually looked forward to the meeting, not because she was helping me, but it was nice to be around someone, someone to talk to. Did she help me? I don't know, she's not helping me with the accident, more like trying to show how smart she is with her education. She talks down to me quite often.

The police - same story as always. I haven't contacted them for months. I'm not going to bother, why should I? Hmm, it's fall, it used to be my favourite time of the year, but I really haven't noticed it until now. It doesn't make a difference really. I'm sorry, I've rambled on for much too long. I apologize. I'm still having headaches, concussion or whatever the doc said. It's doing me in. I have to leave the house but it takes so much energy, I'm always exhausted when I have to leave and I don't even drive. The taxi's are costing too much, especially in light of my work situation.

ROY'S EMAIL ADDRESS IS: engineer94701@hotmail.com TELL HIM WHAT YOU THINK!!!!

Jack

Accident victim and therapy

I still don't know what to think of Roy. I dunno what he wants, maybe I'm being a bit harsh, maybe he's in the same situation that I am.

I think I need therapy. I can't relax, I'm unable to drive. I have panic attacks. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle, my life is still in pieces waiting to be put back together again. Nothing is in logical order. There's no rhyme or reason.

I have nothing else to say.

Sorry,

Jack

Accident Victim

I don't what to say. I received this video two days ago. I was shocked. Roy's accident took place at the same location, six years earlier. The photo that I've been searching for suddenly shows up. I don't know what to make of it.

Roy is obviously not looking for publicity, I'm not even sure if that's his real name. He filtered his image, so I have no idea what he really looks or sounds like.

I hope he'll be able to help me out with the accident.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one.

Moving but where?

I want to move. It's time for a change. There's too many things frustrating me. I can't make any headway into my accident. My doc thinks that I'm crazy. No one believes me. I'm fed up with southern california. I don't know where I want to move. I think I should take a road trip, but the problem is that I haven't driven a car since the accident.

I haven't been on a date siince the accident ... I don't have anything in common with any women. I'm frustrated and lonely. Getting out of the area will be good, it'll bring me another perspective. I won't go back to the U.K. too expensive along with rising crime rates.

The world is a gloomy place, I don't make friends easily ... it's because I don't trust anyone. I pour my heart out when I meet a woman I really like and all I'm left with is heartache. I'm too old for this and I'm losing hope at a rapid pace. It's not a pity party but I'm feeling the stress. I guess it's true what doctor's say, having a wife prolongs your life. I've heard lots of people say that they're under stress with a wife! But it's better than being in my shoes.

It's the same thing night after night. I go to bed alone and I'm sad and bitter. I know there should be someone for me out there, a special woman, but I can't find her, at least I think she's 'the one', but she ends up hating me and I hate myself. I know it's not right to think just because you have feelings for someone that they should love you back, but I'm tired ... tired of myself.

I really want to go out and 'experience' more of life, but I'm able to in my present physical state. I can't walk very far, the numbness in my foot is getting worse. I exercise everyday, it's keeping me fit and slim, but I'm always tired.

The other day, I went to the store, with the taxi of course. There was an attractive cashier, she was flirting with me and I flirted with her. I should have asked her for her email, at least, but I've been so broken hearted that I left, feeling like a fool. Making too many excuses.

It's hard, but I'm trying.

December 23, 2005 ;Occurrences too many similarities.

I don't know what it is. So many things swarming in my head. I've been able to pick up some little jobs here and there, just enough to keep me going. I haven't left the house in 4 days. I have a headache that comes and goes. I'm surprised to find that I've uncovered yet another surveillance camera hidden in the neighborhood. I can't remember why I placed so many. Was it another research project that I was working on?

I wish I wrote everything down on a piece of paper. I don't own a PDA. Something else to carry I guess, useless for me. I don't know if my headaches are a result of the concussion, but it's getting worse.

I'm beginning to wonder what kind of person I really am. What's so fascinating about studying traffic? Why did I place a hidden camera at the end of the street? Was it to produce enough evidence of the speeding idiots who screech constantly at all times of the day? Is it the idiots who drive down the road with their radio blaring full blast? What am I turning into an old man in his 30s with nothing to do but see what everyone else is doing?

I finally opened the windows in my office for the first time today. Too stuffy. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid to look out the window, especially after all the similarities between my accident and other deadly accidents that happened on the 23rd of December.

I don't want to harp on about it. Take a look at the thumbnail video above for more answers.

I really need to wake up and a respectable hour. 10 am? It makes me feel like a bum. I'm not losing hope in the investigation, just laying about feeling sorry for myself.

Pathetic isn't it?

Deja Vu.

I was busy working around the house yesterday. Pushing myself too hard, my body is aching, but that's nothing compared to the mental anguish I'm going through. There's been many supporting emails coming from the readers, but nothing can compare to the heartache that I'm going through, especially late at night when I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep.

There are women in my life that I thought I was close to, at least I thought I was. One of them in particular said that she would 'always be there for me'. She's not here for me, she's flaky, I should have known better than to place my hope in someone who I thought was my friend, I've been there for her, not because I was expecting something in return. I like to help people, at least I did until recently. She doesn't call or let alone email me and it hurts, where are you when I need you?

There's another woman who was in my life, who could be gentle and sweet, then the next moment she was distant, clearly didn't want me around. When she heard about my accident she was concerned ... at least I thought she was. In her next email she was angry, upset. To make a long story short she doesn't want me in her life.

I'm not getting any younger ... I'm in my 30's, I thought I would have settled down by now, but that wish is becoming a distant memory. But it's nothing to the pain I feel in my heart, it's making me depressed, so depressed that I sleep for hours on end. It's effecting me physically as well. My hands are beginning to cramp up when I write. I'm constantly tired. I'm plagued by headaches. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to whomever is reading this. I don't want to ruin your day. I just needed someone to 'vent' to. I rarely venture outside the house, even with the taxi. I don't have the energy. It takes a lot out of me just to write these blogs lately ... I don't even care anymore ... the accident, my personal life, the heartache that I'm experiencing ... it feels like it's an ongoing deja vu. I know that I experienced it in the past, either in my nightmare or somewhere else and it's frustrating.

I hope things will get better for me.

The Enigma 23

My accident took place on the 23rd of December. The time on my wristwatch was frozen at 9:23. A co-incidence? Everywhere I go I see the number 23. For example for the past week each time I answer my email the number 23 pops up. Avant-Garde musicians with the number 23 in the composition appears. 23 hurt in a bus accident. 23 killed in an airplane crash.

I am familiar with the writer William S. Burroughs, but I forgot the 23 connection, I haven't heard about it in years ... I blame it on my concussion. I'm forgetful ... can't remember anything.

I just took a look at the time on the computer screen; 23!

Am I reading into things?

Thanks goes to Hiroshi who pointed the connection of the 23 enigma and my accident.

I won't be able to go anywhere without seeing 23. And now I hear that a movie is being made about the 23 Enigma. I wonder if it's going to be any good?

This 23 enigma thing is getting on me nerves. It's spooking me out. I've got to get out, clear me head. Take a deep breath.

I'm thinking I really have to start driving again. What am I going to tell the taxi driver? Just cruise around the city for an hour or so? I did like taking taxi's. But that thought only lasted a couple of days. It's not practical.

So many things to do. But I don't feel like doing anything. Just to turn on the computer can be an ordeal in itself. The only thing that keeps me going are the positive emails.

Thank you.

Wrecked Car

I've been wracking up a rather large amount of fees at the impound yard for my wrecked car. I should go there and retrieve the vehicle. But what am I going to do with it? Put it in my driveway? I'm still waiting to hear from the insurance company, fighting with them, going back and forth.

It's been almost a year and I'm still trying to get the replacement value.

I'm in no mood to look at what was once my 'new' car. More like a 'new' wrecked car.

Comment

I just want to say thank you for the comment by Jesse. I'm not a religious person but your words were very kind. My so called 'friends' haven't written to me lately, so I really appreciate your words of support.

Jack

Comment

I just want to say thank you for the comment by Jesse. I'm not a religious person but your words were very kind. My so called 'friends' haven't written to me lately, so I really appreciate your words of support.

Jack

Fall arrives and people are in a lousy mood

On a personal level, people who were in my life, and I emphasize 'were' are in a lousy mood. I have half a handful of 'associates', really just a small, very small amount of 'humans' who call me 'their friend' who have been constantly pouring all of their problems on me.

They know that I was in an accident, that I'm not in a 'stable' frame of mind when it comes to listening about the daily day to day insignificant matters of their lives.


I've asked them for help regarding the accident but they're much more interested in telling me why their lives are in the gutter. When I try to tell them about the accident they ignore me and walk away.

Not once did they visit me while I was in the hospital. Did they come to my home to see if I was ok? No. They didn't call, write ... absolutely nothing.

Complete strangers, fans of the site have been comforting me more than strangers.

It's been a huge effort for me just to leave the house. I think about all the time I spent tucked away in the confine of my room and what did I miss? Nothing. People are still greedy, selfish, arrogant creatures and I hate them for feeling like that.

This isn't some psycho-therapy session. I noticed more and more people who are acting this way.

The only thing I longed for was a female companion, but when I remembered the relationships I had in the past they all ended up like a row of dominoes, falling down into one another.

The human race is an empty vessel. I'm waiting for the day it sinks.

I'll be sure to be on dry land when it happens.

Taxi's

It still gets on my nerves whenever I have to leave the house. But at least I'm re-experiencing what it's like to be out in the sun.

Every morning is the same routine. I pick up the telephone and request that a taxi pick me up.

People have been asking me why don't I take the bus. No offense but there's too many strange people who ride the transit on any given day. I don't know about you but I don't like the idea of sitting at a bus stop, breathing fumes and fumbling for change or a bus pass.

I don't have the patience to look for the bus route. It's too nerve wrecking. I don't like to share the bus with others, I don't like the idea of the bus continuously stopping to pick up and drop off customers.

A taxi can take me to my destination in half the time as a bus. I don't know if I want to buy another car. I like the idea of someone being my driver. There's no stress on my part. I think about the money that I save; I don't have to fill in for gas, no car insurance, maintenance ... what a luxury.

I am nervous before the taxi arrives. I've been suffering panic attacks since the accident. Usually I do 30 minutes of stretches a day before I leave the house. It's good for my back, and I'm getting in shape. I need to take several deep breathes ... I thought about having a few stif drinks to relax me, but I haven't had a hard drink in years. I've seen too many friends and family members waste their lives in pubs. I don't want to me addicted to the 'devil's urine'.

This is the routine that I go through before I leave the house; I fumble for my keys as I close the door. I close my eyes as I head toward the sidewalk. I feel dizzy ... kneeling on the sidewalk the pain in my ears are intense as I hear the sounds of traffic and loud car stereos.

The sound from my heart overpowers any external sound I hear. Suddenly, in the distance I can see the taxi, my panic attack fades away as the yellow vehicle filled with the smell of stale cigarettes and day old donuts fill the air.

I climb in, close my eyes and relax.

At first it bothered me that the taxi driver had the radio on full blast. Inane music, commericals and talk radio. The sound of silence is hell compared to the sound of the rumbling stereo.

But why do I care? I have nothing to worry about, besides the taxi driver trying to take the long route to my destination.

I'm still angry over the way the doctor interrogated me the other day. It's the same routine that I'm getting from her and the police. They think I'm suicidal, on ambien ... it's frustrating.

But, on the other hand I have been receiving many email letters of support. Thank You. I still have much work to do. I'm getting my life back on track. I haven't been driving, but it angered me when I was sitting in the taxi cab the other day listening to the constant cries of ambulances, police cars and fire trucks, even a year ago it would be rare to hear sirens blaring constantly, but the times have changed, for the worse, there's so many idiots out there, lousy drivers, screeching tires, morons blaring their car stereo at night.

I need to come to terms with my anger and nightmares. Whenever I see a speeding driver I want him/her to be punished. I want them to realize what they're doing is wrong. But how can they when they're constantly on their cell phone?

I hate people who talk on their cell phones while they drive.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave home. It's made me more aggravated.

I left home



Anxiety ridden, in pain and breathless. This is how I felt early this morning laying in bed. I made an appointment to see the doctor. The doctor was available to see me this afternoon. I couldn't sleep. Was I ready to leave the house? What was I going to tell the doctor ... why I didn't return the phone calls ... missed dozens of appointments ...

I prepared the surveillance camera, rigged up inside a bag, tested it over and over. I've done it thousands of times before. Been in countless situations where my life was in danger but nothing prepared me for this. Pure and utter paranoia.

I called a taxi and constantly monitored the security cameras for the car to pull up. Finally the taxi arrived. I took a deep breath, pulled the hood over my head, sunglasses firmy planted and I made a quick dash to the car.

To the hospital I told the driver. The blaring noise from the radio made me sick, mentally and physically, banal commercials, the phoney announcers voice. I hate talk radio. It's repulsive. Does anyone really listen to this garbage?

The sounds of cars and traffic made me nauseous. People are driving bigger cars, careless, talking on their cell phones, no one pays attention to the traffic. All they care about is themselves. What is this society turning into? A dog eat dog world? It disgusts me. I should move to the mountains. Away from civilization.

After what seemed like eternity the car pulled up to the dreaded HMO ... I mean hospital. The death factory. A patient enters somewhat fine and they leave in a hearse. I won't mention what hospital I belong to, but they have a high fatality rate. All they care about is the bottom line. They don't give a damn about the patients.

Took a deep breath and made my way into the building. My heart was racing when I passed the security guard, an older clueless man who was busy looking at the women wearing the last remnants of mid drifts and revealing clothing.

I made my way past the guard to the front desk. $25.00 co-pay yes, I know, I've been through this dozens of times before. I should be an attorney, I can't count the number of times I had to read my hmo booklet. It makes a great read when you can't fall asleep. Luckily for me, I've never been forced to read it. I'm always tired at the end of the day.

I avoided the elevator, too many sick people, plus I like the exercise. Made my way into the doctor's office. I placed the bag on the table and pressed the record button. I was hoping that she would visit me soon, I didn't want the tape to run out.

Eventually, what seemed like eternity the doctor arrived. Attractive, mid to late 30's. Funny, I don't remember her. She treated me the morning I was brought in. She left a few days after I was brought in on pregnancy leave.

I won't go into details, you can watch the surveillance video for yourself. I was upset at the way she interrogated me. I felt like I was on trial. Disgusting. Psychiatrist, suicide, pills? What is this? Is she part of a set-up? Is she working with the police? What did I do to warrant this? They think I have some 'behaviour' problems.

I left the doctor's office in anger. Hailed another cab and ordered the driver to take me home.

I can't believe that this is happening to me. It sounds so bloody cliche', but I feel like I'm living a nightmare.

Leaving home was not as traumatic as I thought. But still, I don't want to have any part of society. It's going to fall apart. People will destroy each other. And I want to be prepared when it happens.

But first I need to find out the truth behind my accident. But I'm afraid I'm only holding the first piece of the puzzle in my hands.

Jack

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

I've been in a lazy mood today. I take that back, I tried to drum up some new business today, but that was a waste of time. Prospective clients want to meet me in person. What am I going to tell them? Go to my web site then you'll know why. Go ahead and scare them from the get go. It makes them curious why I don't want to see them in person.

I'm running out of excuses. I cough a few times and tell them that I have to go.

I saw a film on dvd today. 'Crash' by David Cronenberg. It made me depressed. It probably wasn't the best film to watch expecially considering what I've been through. But with a title like that ... I mean I am familar with the book ... the dvd is in my collection, I didn't know I had it ... strange.

I need to watch something that's going to make me feel good. What's on the telly ... I'm looking at the screen as you're reading this. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I think I'm going to sleep.

I care, but it's hard.

I'm gaining strength, physically, but mentally I'm doubtful. I opened the front door and walked out of the house last night for 2 minutes. It made me sick, I tried, but I broke out in sweat, covering my body, my shirt clung to my back.

But it's a breakthrough for me.

Upset

Reading the police report made me angry. I wanted to punch my fist through the wall, but to protect my fist and wall I didn't. I want to yell and scream at someone, but what am I going to do ... walk outside and yell at someone on the street? Knowing my luck I'll get arrested! Wouldn't that be ironic? I guess I'll have all the time to tell the police about what I think of their 'findings', bloody stupid report.

Today it hit me, it's been nine months since the accident ... nothing has happened ... yes, I spent several months in the hospital recovering. I put the blog up in June and still no clues. Did someone pull a prank on me? I know we live in a sick world but why would someone do something like that to me?

I've been in a lacklustre mood, tired, moody, anxiety ridden ... maybe it's the prescription medicine from over the border, but it's inexpensive and that's what counts.

I'm exercising on a daily basis, getting leaner, stronger. When I do leave the house I'll be ready for whatever comes my way. I've been thinking of things to say to the police. I don't want to mince words. I'll tell them off. Tell them what I'm thinking. I'm disappointed that I thought the police would help solve my case. What a joke. An absolute joke.

Hmm, gas prices are lower I see. All these months that I've spent shut in the house did me some good. I've been looking online for cars ... the car that I want is too expensive, but it has great safety features, curtain airbags, stability control. And the insurance rates are much better if you have the added safety equipment. It's one of the reasons why I'm still alive. I shudder to think what would have happened if I didn't have the air curtain airbags and stability control.

Is there a higher power that's responsible for my accident? Is there a reason? Or am I having a nightmare? I wonder how many others are out there like me, shut in the house because no one believes their story?

We'll see.

Not in denial.



I've been in a bad mood, which is good. I'm mad, angry, vicious at the way that I'm unable to find out the cause of my accident. I'm getting the run around from the police. I want to visit them in person and tell them that I'm a victim. What's holding me back? The sounds of stupid drivers on the road. Knowing my luck I'll get in a car and immediately I'll be hit by another idiot who is distracted while they're on their cell phone.

In my current state of anger it's probably not a good thing that I drive in a car. I've been looking online at taxi's, tons of funny vicious stories about bad taxi drivers. But what can I do? I need to buy another car, I've been talking to the insurance company ... I'll talk about it later, what a nightmare!

There's so many things I have to do ...

Frayed nerves

I really have to leave the house. The hospital has been leaving me dozens of messages, literally. They're beginning to haunt me. On the plus side my work is back to usual, even though I haven't left the house. I barely carry on. Lots of words of support. Thank you very much.

I think I'm ready to walk through the front door. Getting into a car is another story though. We shall see. I'm afraid I'll have to call a taxi ... not the best drivers ... I'm not looking forward to it. Happy thoughts, that's what I should think. I need to be happier, I'm tired of being a dour person. But after the things that I've been through ... no, that's a negative attitude and I don't want to think like that. Especially when I need to find out the cause of the accident.

The police I'm afraid have given up on my case. They think I'm a complete nutter. What else can I do? They asked me to come down to the police station to talk to the detective who's assigned to my case. I told them I can't leave because I'm still recuperating ... mentally, not so much physically. The officer on the phone had a confused tone in his voice. I think he was laughing at me, I could hear him mutter something incomprehensible to others in the office. I could hear the roar of laughter. I hung up the phone in anger and self-pity.

My family in England know about my accident ... we don't talk about anything in depth, same old talk. We speak without saying much of anything.

I've been doing my exercises on a daily basis. Stretches more like it ... it's been helpful, but there's days when I don't feel like doing anything. But if I want to become stronger I'll need to work out more often. I don't want to look like a muscle bound freak, I just want to be fit.

I've been eating better. Maybe it's been a godsend that I couldn't leave the house. No more junk food. Christ I'm getting lean. When I think about all the years I've abused my body eating that rubbish. Home cooked meals, lot's of vegetables. I haven't eaten things like takeout Chinese or pizza in months, I used to crave that garbage, not anymore.

I am going through changes, but I need to find the courage to investigate the accident on my own ... I know the police aren't going to help me.

Jack