Anxiety ridden, in pain and breathless. This is how I felt early this morning laying in bed. I made an appointment to see the doctor. The doctor was available to see me this afternoon. I couldn't sleep. Was I ready to leave the house? What was I going to tell the doctor ... why I didn't return the phone calls ... missed dozens of appointments ...
I prepared the surveillance camera, rigged up inside a bag, tested it over and over. I've done it thousands of times before. Been in countless situations where my life was in danger but nothing prepared me for this. Pure and utter paranoia.
I called a taxi and constantly monitored the security cameras for the car to pull up. Finally the taxi arrived. I took a deep breath, pulled the hood over my head, sunglasses firmy planted and I made a quick dash to the car.
To the hospital I told the driver. The blaring noise from the radio made me sick, mentally and physically, banal commercials, the phoney announcers voice. I hate talk radio. It's repulsive. Does anyone really listen to this garbage?
The sounds of cars and traffic made me nauseous. People are driving bigger cars, careless, talking on their cell phones, no one pays attention to the traffic. All they care about is themselves. What is this society turning into? A dog eat dog world? It disgusts me. I should move to the mountains. Away from civilization.
After what seemed like eternity the car pulled up to the dreaded HMO ... I mean hospital. The death factory. A patient enters somewhat fine and they leave in a hearse. I won't mention what hospital I belong to, but they have a high fatality rate. All they care about is the bottom line. They don't give a damn about the patients.
Took a deep breath and made my way into the building. My heart was racing when I passed the security guard, an older clueless man who was busy looking at the women wearing the last remnants of mid drifts and revealing clothing.
I made my way past the guard to the front desk. $25.00 co-pay yes, I know, I've been through this dozens of times before. I should be an attorney, I can't count the number of times I had to read my hmo booklet. It makes a great read when you can't fall asleep. Luckily for me, I've never been forced to read it. I'm always tired at the end of the day.
I avoided the elevator, too many sick people, plus I like the exercise. Made my way into the doctor's office. I placed the bag on the table and pressed the record button. I was hoping that she would visit me soon, I didn't want the tape to run out.
Eventually, what seemed like eternity the doctor arrived. Attractive, mid to late 30's. Funny, I don't remember her. She treated me the morning I was brought in. She left a few days after I was brought in on pregnancy leave.
I won't go into details, you can watch the surveillance video for yourself. I was upset at the way she interrogated me. I felt like I was on trial. Disgusting. Psychiatrist, suicide, pills? What is this? Is she part of a set-up? Is she working with the police? What did I do to warrant this? They think I have some 'behaviour' problems.
I left the doctor's office in anger. Hailed another cab and ordered the driver to take me home.
I can't believe that this is happening to me. It sounds so bloody cliche', but I feel like I'm living a nightmare.
Leaving home was not as traumatic as I thought. But still, I don't want to have any part of society. It's going to fall apart. People will destroy each other. And I want to be prepared when it happens.
But first I need to find out the truth behind my accident. But I'm afraid I'm only holding the first piece of the puzzle in my hands.
Jack
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