Friendly Fire? 2/26/07

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FRIENDLY FIRE?

Is Roy the enemy or a confidant? I don't know. My mind is confused.

Sorry ... Webisode 34

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I've received dozens of emails telling me how cruel and insensitive I've been to Keren on Valentine's Day. Yes, I agree. I have been very selfish and angry towards her. She's been very helpful and look how I treated her.

Being the ill mannered boor I am, I realized the errors of my way and I brought a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. I took her to a nice intimate cafe for dinner.

Keren has been the light in my months of darkness. I'm very happy that she's in my life. Thanks to Keren I've slowly been able to get behind the wheel of a car. I'm taking it step by step, but with her help I'm confident that I'll be able to drive by myself soon.

Thank you Keren and thank you to the reader of the blog.

- Jack

MAN + A WOMAN ARGUE ON VALENTINE'S DAY

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FEB. 14TH VALENTINE'S DAY.

What I did on the most romantic day of the year:

Keren took me out for a drive in her car, early this morning. Very early - 5 am. She forced me to drive. The last time I was behind the wheel was on the night of Dec. 23 2005.

It was good that we went driving very early in the morning. Less nutters on the road.

Needless to say I was very nervous. We argued.

I was nervous driving, sort of like riding a bike for the first time. I was awful behind the wheel and to Keren as well.

Well, I grumbled and moaned. Keren was a trooper.

I forgot it was Valentine's Day until Keren dropped me off. I didn't say anything. She looked sad and sped off.

I looked at the newspaper and read the date.

I have to buy Keren flowers and a box of chocolates.

I'm a true romantic.

What kind of car should I buy?

If I'm able to drive that is. It's been well over a year since I've been behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. Will I be able to stand the masses of morons who drive the pavement on a daily basis? I guess the real test will begin.

What sort of car should I buy?

Do I BUY A CAR THAT'S:

Comfortable?
Safe?
Good on petrol?
Fast?
Stylish?
Sporty?
Sexy?
Reliable?

Do I buy a:

Compact?
Saloon?
Mini-Van? (gasp)
Sports Car?
Pick-Up Truck
SUV (hiss)
Hybrid? (hmmm)

So many choices.

Please help me make a decision.

Thank You.

Jack

WHO I TRUST?



I trust:

My family

Keren


WHO I DON'T TRUST:

Whoever was responsible for my accident.

Roy

People I don't like

The Stress of Driving - Webisode 30

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I hate driving and drivers.

I have a dual citizenship. My parents were on vacation (both U.K. natives) visiting some relatives who had just recently moved here (Southern California - 1966) when I was born.

I moved to the U.K. when I was a month old. I visited the states several times growing up visiting relatives. Traffic from what I can remember was non-existant, my family would look forward to driving on the freeway any day of the week just for fun.

Fast forward 30 + years. Traffic is horrendous. I can't stand driving, I haven't been behind the wheel since the accident. There's overpopulation in California, developers are too greedy and there's too many people driving big SUV's, which I can't stand.

Where do I go? My world is small. Anywhere I can walk or take a taxi - strict budget. Which leaves me to my local corner market and bookstore. That's it.

I'm nervous because Keren is going to take me driving today. I've never been behind the wheel with her. Will she be driving too fast? Is she the type who speaks on her cell phone while she drives? Does she not pay attention? Or is she a slow driver who insists on staying in the fast lane?

I guess there's only one way to find out.

Please let her be a good driver.

Jack

Esoteric

12,000 books. They're taking up space in my guest bedroom. It's out of control. Help!

I was aimlessly wandering around my garage for an answer about the infinite possibilities one might encounter searching for free entertainment on the internet. Then by chance? A book mysteriously fell into my obscene hands.

'Against Method' by Paul Feyerabend, who defended the idea that there are no methodological rules which are used by scientists. Feyerabend viewed that science would benefit from a 'dose' of theoretical anarchism.

Feyerabend was also critical of falsificationism. He argued that no interesting theory is ever consistent with all the relevant facts.

Why am I telling you this? Perhaps it's the change of weather (the 'apocalypse' is really the greenhouse effect), I used to hate warm weather and the sun (being the cheery Londoner that I am!) Perhaps I'm getting older (I am) but I do like the warm weather and the sun!
Searching for a place of recluse in my garage, which has always been my favourite place of the home. I imagined that this will be my place for free and clear thoughts.

I have been engrossed in 'Against Method' I don't recall 'obtaining' the book. It has not been cataloged by me. There is no receipt.

I am confused. I ponder questions like this on a seemingly increasing daily basis.
Was the book placed in my hands by accident? How did it fall into my hands? There were no boxes which were open. Everything is enclosed in a Rubbermaid sealed container. Thanks Rubbermaid!
I think it is a sign of things to come.
One as myself needs to experience more theory on a daily basis. I also need to assimilate myself in the warmth of the sun, without getting overexposed in the seemingly crowded path of human obsolescence.
Sorry for rambling on. I really miss the sun today.
I need warmth.
Conspiracy theorists unite.
Jack.

Meeting Keren




It's been a strange year. I was apprehensive meeting Keren, but I have nothing to lose. She see's my face, I don't care. I've lost my privacy. I can't hide forever, if she's going to help me I have to trust her. I need to trust other people. This is the first step back into the world.

We met in the park. It was a surprising meeting. This is going to be a good year. I'm going to find the answers that I'm looking for.

Jack

Who is she?

Is she a black widow in disguise? That's what I first thought when she first sent me an email.

But that's not the case. I don't open up very easy. Well I haven't ... I used to be friendly and outgoing ... but that was ages ago.

It looks like it's going to be a good year. I'm really looking forward to it.

I have to go now. I'm going to meet someone. Watch the vlog.

Happy New Years!

Jack

KEREN

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I received this video from a reader named Keren. She's been helpful with research, I don't need to write about it, look at it for yourself.

12/23/06

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December 23, 2006

I had a good day today. Visited some car dealers. Pretended to buy a car. Climbed into their skull and rummaged around. It was fun messing about with the abundance of air in the space that would usually occupied with their brain.

DAMAGED GOODS

I hate car dealers. I consider them a notch below murderers. They would sell their new born child if they could make a deal. The service department is just as bad or even worse.

Yes I'm angry. What a joke. A 'new' car? I'm looking at the internet to see what I can buy. I DON'T want to go to another car dealer.

Dunno know what else to say. I'm tempted to say the name of the car dealer, but I can't. Load of scum bags, bollocks, wankers.

I should have listened to my instincts, this was the first new car that I've purchased, I always purchased used cars. My last vehicle was a Volvo Estate with over 564,000 mi.

The only reason why I bought a new car is because the Estate had major rust and the tranny needed a rebuild, plus the chassis was literally rusting away. Not very safe to say the least.

I have a complete workshop in my garage, a bit of machine tools here and there. I've got a collection of spanners. I've got another vehicle in the garage, a 1963 Austin Mini Cooper Pickup that I brought over from the U.K. I completely restored it here in the states, but it's not registered, it's strictly a project car. Plus it's too dangerous to be driving, especially with all the nutters on the road. You've got to be a right twit to be driving something like this on the road.

I should have bought another used car and fixed up meself. Thought it would 'nice' to have a 'new car'. Stupid bastard.

I've learned a lesson. ALWAYS trust your instincts!

Vehicle R.I.P.



Almost one year ago I was driving a brand new car. Close to a year later my car with 400 miles sits in a paint/body shop. The technicians are inspecting the car to see if it can be rebuilt.

I don't want a rebuilt car, I want the insurance to replace my car. Granted the car is a year old, it's still 'new', but I don't want to be driving around in a car that was in a wreck.

I can't bear to look at my once new car. I guess it's my fault that I forgot about the car in the impound yard, even thought they constantly called and sent me letters. It feels like I shut off the outside world, and not by choice.

I've been walking to the corner market to buy my necessities, it only takes me 5 minutes to walk back and forth. It's good therapy, and I don't need to take the taxi, but even though it's only a 5 minute walk the sound of roaring cars still scares me.

It does feel good to take a breath of fresh air, and one day I know that I'll drive again, but I don't know when that's going to be.

I would like to go to the movies and to the bookstores, but I can't walk there, and I can't afford to take another taxi, it's draining my bank account, even though I'm doing some odd research jobs at home, which helps. A reader suggested I take the bus, thank you for the tip but I don't like taking the bus, there's some nice people on board, but the majority of bus riders are dangerous and deranged. I don't mean to write something demeaning, especially about people who can't afford to buy a car or are unable to, but I fear for my safety when I'm on a bus, and I feel sorry for normal people who take the bus to and from work everyday, especially mothers with young children. It's not the safest method of transportation.

I'm really hoping that the auto body estimator will write off my car as a complete salvage so I can buy myself a new car. Not that I care about cars, to me they're nothing but transportation, nothing else. I'm not in love with my car. As long as it gets me to and from my destination, I'm fine.

Impound yard for 1 year?

This thought suddenly hit me while I was laying in bed on Saturday at 6 am. I've never been this careless, I've very punctual, but this isn't like me. I don't like to make excuses, but I blame it on my concussion.

I haven't been thinking logically, it must be a side effect of having a concussion. I scrambled to find the name of the impound yard where my car was, 8 am, I called them, the phone rings continuously until the 15th ring, someone answers, by 9 I arrive in a taxi, with some cash from the ATM and a bag I make my way over to the window of the impound yard and pay a hefty fund of back fees ( I could have bought a good, a very good used vehicle for what they charged me in impound yard fees!).

But it is my fault for not being more 'with it'. I open the door to what was once my new car. I'm here for one thing and one thing only - the digital recorder hidden in the back panel quarter of the car.

I installed hidden cameras in the car the day I purchased it. There's still hidden cameras that I placed around my neighborhood that I'm only now discovering! I must have been working on a visual anthropology project but I can't remember.

I couldn't breathe when I came home and plugged in the digital video recorder into the computer.

I don't need to tell you everything that's on the video, but my eyes are wide awake. I contacted the police and made a copy of the video for them to investigate. It's been almost one year since the accident happened. Will I be able to find out what happened? Did I place cameras in places that I don't remember?

I wish I could think clearly, I know I need to someone for help, real help, no psychiatrists or therapists or 'life coaches', I need to see someone who can help me see clearly! The answer is out there I just need to find it. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack, but I can find the haystack and eliminate each piece one by one until I find it!

I'm upset that someone caused my accident and I'm angry that someone pulled me out of the car, but the question is why?

December 23 is coming up right around the corner, time flies. And I'm not getting any younger.

I hope the new year is going to work out for me. I need to make a change and find some answers!

- Jack

Meeting the Psychiatrist.

I'll tell you what you can't see in the video. I definitely have not seen this woman before! Actually she was quite pretty, I was distracted. However I did confront her about this entire situation being staged or some sort of prank.

Of course she denied, being a mental health care professional I was surprised that she exploded into rage (maybe she needs to see a therapist). I looked around the room for any sort of clues. Nothing out of the ordinary. Pictures of her on vacation with her beau. A calendar on the wall, very conservative paintings on the wall (to make the patients feel at ease I suppose.

The room was rather small, the front office was equally as small. The Psych. desk was cluttered with papers, she didn't seem to be very organized, more disorganized than anything. It wouldn't win any kudos for it's use of space or interior design!

I did some research on the Psych. it turns out she's been at this particular location since 2002, before that she worked at a hospital. Nothing out of the ordinary.

During our hour long session she treated me like I was a prisoner, a criminal. Thankfully she took a break to use the loo.

I looked around the office. I inspected it for more detail. I was extremely cautious, she could have installed security cameras. I'm sure a patient has tried to attack her on more than one occasion.

There was several badly plastered and painted sections of the wall around the room. It looked like someone either threw their fist where her head once was or someone picked up a chair and threw it at her and missed.

The blinds in the room was dirty and worn out. It looked like she jumped out of the one story room more than once. Either that or she was using the screen less window as an ash tray. I did manage to take a peek outside the window, sure enough it was littered with cigarette butts, it looked like she threw the contents of her ash tray out the window. Don't you just love people who care for the environment?

The paint on the wall was a drab off white, horrible paint scheme, one would think that a psychiatrist would paint the walls with soothing colors or at least consult with an interior designer! But what would I know, because I've never been to a psychiatrist before!

There was something that puzzled me, there was a photograph, very old that was stuck halfway, sort of placed in a drawer at the last minute. The photo looked like it was taken in the mid 70's of two men, around 30 or so, standing, smiling in front of a brand new car, a Land Rover 109 5 door. In the background dozens of cars filled the massive building; several men wearing suits stood in the background of what looked like a car dealership, dozens of vehicles - a Mercedes 600 series saloon, a Range Rover, several Jaguar saloons and several men of Arab origin in the background inspecting the car.

I tried to take a shot with my surveillance camera but the psych. entered the room, somewhat suspicious. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I wanted to be sure that she was on the up and up.

She was definitely a chain smoker, she said she had another client and was rushing me to hurry up.

The secretary was much more chatty, more down to earth, through clueless, she's only been working there for 2 weeks, so I couldn't ask her anything in detail. I was in the midst of asking her out for a cup of coffee when lo and behold the Psych. appeared tapping here feet and demanding that miss secretary retrieve some files for her on the next patient.

Hopefully for my follow up I'll be able to delve in further.

I'm still not driving, but being angry at what's happening I haven't been noticing my surroundings. I've been more at ease, probably because I'm furiously been trying to find out what's going on.

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'PROOF' - VBLOG



As if it couldn't get any weirder. The police contacted me a few days ago ... it's all explained in the video. I don't know what to think. Maybe I shouldn't think. X-mas is around the corner and I've been buying gifts for my family. No gifts for the remaining few friends I have, or had. But let's not get negative here. I've been writing nothing but self-pity blogs to you lot over the past several months and I must apologize. The first and foremost thing on my mind is my accident investigation, but what the police showed me on the video is just plain weird! It's a black comedy. What would Kafka think?

Back to X-mas. I need to keep my mind occupied.

Well, the great things about shopping online - no lines, no gift wrapping, no problems looking for parking. I really used to like X-mas shopping with me mum dad and younger sis. We used to spend hours shopping on Oxford Street, looking at all the stuff we couldn't afford. Me mum looking at Selfridges. Me dad looking at the electronic shops. Then we'd head over to Portobello Road so me and me younger sister could look at all the new LP's at Virgin Records (no megastore back then, just a bunch of hippies making a ton of quid off of Mike Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells') I used to spend hours looking at the LP covers. ( no kids, we didn't have cds or downloadable itunes bollocks back then!)

For an afternoon laugh we'd make our way to the King's Road to poke fun at the punks. I remember one particular afternoon in December of 1977 when the Punks and the Teds were beating each other up. The punks were no match for the Teds, the Teds were older and handy with their fists. How the punks could get around in their bondage trousers was beyond me!

All in all it was a happy time, me parents would get me an Action Man, me dad a new soldering gun (he was an electronics hobbyist) me younger sister a new doll and me mum a new dress.

Yes it was fun growing up in the 70's in Britain. I won't go into detail about the trash strike in the long hot summer of 76', British Leyland going bust, record levels of unemployment, I didn't give a toss about all that. I was a kid and I was having fun. I shudder to think having kids in this environment.

Maybe I should have stayed in London, I would be taking the tube to work everyday and I wouldn't be in a car accident. Not unless there was a derailment on the tube. But that doesn't happen very often.

This was supposed to be a happy blog about the joys of X-mas and I ended up talking about trash strikes, bankrupts British companies and the terror of kids.

I'm signing off before it gets worse.

- Jack

Numb recovery

PTSD therapy group, what a joke. Absolute rubbish. I went to a support group 2 days ago. See the video. Hope everyone is having a safe and happy thanksgiving. I'm staying at home where it's safe and warm with no traffic. I remember as a child visiting my mum's relatives here in the states. Re-runs of 'The Twilight Zone' would be shown all day. I used to really enjoy it. I still do, but my life is beginning to feel like one of the episodes. I guess it's better that than some reality tv show bollocks.

I am thankful that I at least have my health, even though I have the reoccuring side effects from the concussion.

Thinking about Roy said in the vblog. It's beginning to sink in. What he said makes sense. Nothing much else to say. I hope everyone stays safe and stay off the roads, lot's of drunk unstable people driving today. Be thankful if you're spending the night at home with your loved ones.

Jack



<

I was feeling strange last night. I felt downtrodden. I was thinking about the people that I met during the last year and how they're no longer in my life. I was heartbroken. The accident seems unreal, I don't know what to think of Roy. Was he really involved in a similar accident or is he playing a game? Maybe he's behind the accident. There's so many things going through my mind.

I slept for 10 hours. I have so much work to do. Past assigments are untouched. I've been in a retrospective mood. I guess the saying 'The more things change the more they remain the same' is true. The one thing I've discovered through this journey of finding out what happened during my missing 3 days is how unreliable and flaky people can be. Humans only care about themselves no matter how much they say that they're 'always there for you'. What a load of bollocks. Where are you now? You're not there when I needed you.

Maybe it's the change in the season, or the weather. Fall used to be my favourite time of the year, but I don't know if I like the dampness and the fog. Maybe it reminds me of home. I haven't been to England for a few years, I know I should visit my mum and dad and my sister, but I can't. How can I sit in airplane when I can't even get behind the wheel of a car? I sit in the backseat of the taxi with a hood pulled over my head and a pair of dark sunglasses blocking my vision and an ipod filtering any ambient sounds from the real world.

Someone suggested that maybe I caused my own accident because I've been let down by the people in my life! I've been sad and depressed but I would never take my own life! Utterly ridiculous! More than anything I want to have the power to get out of the house and hopefully meet a woman and settle down. But that's not going to happen until I find out the cause of my accident.

I feel somewhat guilty over my response to Roy's video. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't be sure until I have evidence that he was in a similar accident, only then can I rest.

It's been almost a year since the accident. I need to get my life back together again before it's too late.

I'd like to thank the viewers of the site who have been sending me so many emails of support, especially Kathie. Thank You.

Jack