I left home



Anxiety ridden, in pain and breathless. This is how I felt early this morning laying in bed. I made an appointment to see the doctor. The doctor was available to see me this afternoon. I couldn't sleep. Was I ready to leave the house? What was I going to tell the doctor ... why I didn't return the phone calls ... missed dozens of appointments ...

I prepared the surveillance camera, rigged up inside a bag, tested it over and over. I've done it thousands of times before. Been in countless situations where my life was in danger but nothing prepared me for this. Pure and utter paranoia.

I called a taxi and constantly monitored the security cameras for the car to pull up. Finally the taxi arrived. I took a deep breath, pulled the hood over my head, sunglasses firmy planted and I made a quick dash to the car.

To the hospital I told the driver. The blaring noise from the radio made me sick, mentally and physically, banal commercials, the phoney announcers voice. I hate talk radio. It's repulsive. Does anyone really listen to this garbage?

The sounds of cars and traffic made me nauseous. People are driving bigger cars, careless, talking on their cell phones, no one pays attention to the traffic. All they care about is themselves. What is this society turning into? A dog eat dog world? It disgusts me. I should move to the mountains. Away from civilization.

After what seemed like eternity the car pulled up to the dreaded HMO ... I mean hospital. The death factory. A patient enters somewhat fine and they leave in a hearse. I won't mention what hospital I belong to, but they have a high fatality rate. All they care about is the bottom line. They don't give a damn about the patients.

Took a deep breath and made my way into the building. My heart was racing when I passed the security guard, an older clueless man who was busy looking at the women wearing the last remnants of mid drifts and revealing clothing.

I made my way past the guard to the front desk. $25.00 co-pay yes, I know, I've been through this dozens of times before. I should be an attorney, I can't count the number of times I had to read my hmo booklet. It makes a great read when you can't fall asleep. Luckily for me, I've never been forced to read it. I'm always tired at the end of the day.

I avoided the elevator, too many sick people, plus I like the exercise. Made my way into the doctor's office. I placed the bag on the table and pressed the record button. I was hoping that she would visit me soon, I didn't want the tape to run out.

Eventually, what seemed like eternity the doctor arrived. Attractive, mid to late 30's. Funny, I don't remember her. She treated me the morning I was brought in. She left a few days after I was brought in on pregnancy leave.

I won't go into details, you can watch the surveillance video for yourself. I was upset at the way she interrogated me. I felt like I was on trial. Disgusting. Psychiatrist, suicide, pills? What is this? Is she part of a set-up? Is she working with the police? What did I do to warrant this? They think I have some 'behaviour' problems.

I left the doctor's office in anger. Hailed another cab and ordered the driver to take me home.

I can't believe that this is happening to me. It sounds so bloody cliche', but I feel like I'm living a nightmare.

Leaving home was not as traumatic as I thought. But still, I don't want to have any part of society. It's going to fall apart. People will destroy each other. And I want to be prepared when it happens.

But first I need to find out the truth behind my accident. But I'm afraid I'm only holding the first piece of the puzzle in my hands.

Jack

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

I've been in a lazy mood today. I take that back, I tried to drum up some new business today, but that was a waste of time. Prospective clients want to meet me in person. What am I going to tell them? Go to my web site then you'll know why. Go ahead and scare them from the get go. It makes them curious why I don't want to see them in person.

I'm running out of excuses. I cough a few times and tell them that I have to go.

I saw a film on dvd today. 'Crash' by David Cronenberg. It made me depressed. It probably wasn't the best film to watch expecially considering what I've been through. But with a title like that ... I mean I am familar with the book ... the dvd is in my collection, I didn't know I had it ... strange.

I need to watch something that's going to make me feel good. What's on the telly ... I'm looking at the screen as you're reading this. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I think I'm going to sleep.

I care, but it's hard.

I'm gaining strength, physically, but mentally I'm doubtful. I opened the front door and walked out of the house last night for 2 minutes. It made me sick, I tried, but I broke out in sweat, covering my body, my shirt clung to my back.

But it's a breakthrough for me.

Upset

Reading the police report made me angry. I wanted to punch my fist through the wall, but to protect my fist and wall I didn't. I want to yell and scream at someone, but what am I going to do ... walk outside and yell at someone on the street? Knowing my luck I'll get arrested! Wouldn't that be ironic? I guess I'll have all the time to tell the police about what I think of their 'findings', bloody stupid report.

Today it hit me, it's been nine months since the accident ... nothing has happened ... yes, I spent several months in the hospital recovering. I put the blog up in June and still no clues. Did someone pull a prank on me? I know we live in a sick world but why would someone do something like that to me?

I've been in a lacklustre mood, tired, moody, anxiety ridden ... maybe it's the prescription medicine from over the border, but it's inexpensive and that's what counts.

I'm exercising on a daily basis, getting leaner, stronger. When I do leave the house I'll be ready for whatever comes my way. I've been thinking of things to say to the police. I don't want to mince words. I'll tell them off. Tell them what I'm thinking. I'm disappointed that I thought the police would help solve my case. What a joke. An absolute joke.

Hmm, gas prices are lower I see. All these months that I've spent shut in the house did me some good. I've been looking online for cars ... the car that I want is too expensive, but it has great safety features, curtain airbags, stability control. And the insurance rates are much better if you have the added safety equipment. It's one of the reasons why I'm still alive. I shudder to think what would have happened if I didn't have the air curtain airbags and stability control.

Is there a higher power that's responsible for my accident? Is there a reason? Or am I having a nightmare? I wonder how many others are out there like me, shut in the house because no one believes their story?

We'll see.

Not in denial.



I've been in a bad mood, which is good. I'm mad, angry, vicious at the way that I'm unable to find out the cause of my accident. I'm getting the run around from the police. I want to visit them in person and tell them that I'm a victim. What's holding me back? The sounds of stupid drivers on the road. Knowing my luck I'll get in a car and immediately I'll be hit by another idiot who is distracted while they're on their cell phone.

In my current state of anger it's probably not a good thing that I drive in a car. I've been looking online at taxi's, tons of funny vicious stories about bad taxi drivers. But what can I do? I need to buy another car, I've been talking to the insurance company ... I'll talk about it later, what a nightmare!

There's so many things I have to do ...

Frayed nerves

I really have to leave the house. The hospital has been leaving me dozens of messages, literally. They're beginning to haunt me. On the plus side my work is back to usual, even though I haven't left the house. I barely carry on. Lots of words of support. Thank you very much.

I think I'm ready to walk through the front door. Getting into a car is another story though. We shall see. I'm afraid I'll have to call a taxi ... not the best drivers ... I'm not looking forward to it. Happy thoughts, that's what I should think. I need to be happier, I'm tired of being a dour person. But after the things that I've been through ... no, that's a negative attitude and I don't want to think like that. Especially when I need to find out the cause of the accident.

The police I'm afraid have given up on my case. They think I'm a complete nutter. What else can I do? They asked me to come down to the police station to talk to the detective who's assigned to my case. I told them I can't leave because I'm still recuperating ... mentally, not so much physically. The officer on the phone had a confused tone in his voice. I think he was laughing at me, I could hear him mutter something incomprehensible to others in the office. I could hear the roar of laughter. I hung up the phone in anger and self-pity.

My family in England know about my accident ... we don't talk about anything in depth, same old talk. We speak without saying much of anything.

I've been doing my exercises on a daily basis. Stretches more like it ... it's been helpful, but there's days when I don't feel like doing anything. But if I want to become stronger I'll need to work out more often. I don't want to look like a muscle bound freak, I just want to be fit.

I've been eating better. Maybe it's been a godsend that I couldn't leave the house. No more junk food. Christ I'm getting lean. When I think about all the years I've abused my body eating that rubbish. Home cooked meals, lot's of vegetables. I haven't eaten things like takeout Chinese or pizza in months, I used to crave that garbage, not anymore.

I am going through changes, but I need to find the courage to investigate the accident on my own ... I know the police aren't going to help me.

Jack

Paranoid Paranoia


I'm in a black hole of desperation. Still in shock ... loneliness is creeping in. I'm in constant doubt about everything that's going on around me. Pouring my feelings into the latest blog has taken my mind of my depression. But it's only a temporary fix.

Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be ... I don't fit in society, I'm an outcast. I look around me and see all the couples, married, new romance and I get depressed. But then again I'm looking at a security monitor. I never leave home.

On the plus side I've been doing consultation work, so I don't need to leave home. But it's costing me alot of money to get the groceries dropped off at the front door ... but with the high cost of gas prices, it's probably saving me money ... hmmm, never thought about that.

Been watching a lot of films from netflix ... the police called the other day, they're still investigating, but I fear it's just a courtesy call.

Dunno why I've been in a writing mood today. It's been such a long time since I've posted a blog or a video. But it's been necessary, considering my recent plague of the black mood.

Traffic and selfish drivers.

I should go to the doc for a checkup. They probably think I'm dead. I feel guilty, after the all the help the nurses and staff provided me. But I still can't leave the house. Yes, I've become a recluse.

I've been studying traffic patterns. Can't believe how stupid people are when an accident takes place at the side of the road. That and selfish drivers. People who speed for no reason, other than to show off how fast their cars are. Stupid.

No news from the Police. Tired of wating. When I'm able to leave the house I'll do my own investigation. The only question is when I'll have the courage to be able to leave the house.

Pitfall

I'm still nervous about posting a vblog ... it's hard enough for me to write about the accident, but, since the police are still investigating the accident and the prospects of finding answers is slim, I have no choice but to investigate the accident myself.

Recovering

The heat is unbearable. The hospital has been calling me leaving messages reminding me about my check up. I've planted surveillance cameras around my neighborhood. There's so many idiots who speed down the street. I've been having nightmarish thoughts that one of those morons are responsible for my accident. I had thougths of crashing into their car at a high speed of acceleration, I quickly wake up sweating.

I'm not ready to get behind the wheel of the car, I can only imagine the rage that's building inside of me. Funnily enough i don't miss being outdoors ... there's nothing to miss. Idiots everwhere, they're parading around like they're expecting to have their own reality tv program. There's too much traffic ... loud noises bother me.

I'm in a constant rage ... I think it's the side effect of the pain medication ... when I turn on the TV to watch the news I find myself yelling at the screen ... murder, mayhem, police chases ... it's getting worse. I got so mad I threw the TV out the window ... the next day I came to my senses. I waited until night to retrieve the tv, luckily it was sitting in the shrubs. I don't know what I was thinking. The front glass is smashed, I had to call a glass shop, the installer came, late of course, I felt like he was interrogating me. I told him I'm in a bad mood, I sat in the back room until the idiot was finished installing the glass I paid him and sent him on his merry way.

I've been calling the police during the week, they haven't been returning my messages. I'm losing hope, I'm getting upset, I was smart enough not to leave a nasty message on the answering machine. I need to go to the accicdent site, to see if I can find some clues, since the police aren't helping.

I'm very depressed over my lack of findings over the accident investigation. In the middle of the night I feel that it's a dream gone horribly wrong ... when I wake up, I find my myself disappointed that it is real ... an ongoing nightmare. I haven't been reading my email for days now. It's hard to write this blog, I don't have the energy. I've been sleeping for most of the day. My life is slipping away.

No, I'm not suicidal, just frustrated at the lack of progress. In a way, I really don't care what happens.

Video Blog

I'm apprehensive about recording my life as a vblog ... but I need to find out the mystery of my car accident. It is good therapy for me though as strange as it may sound ...

I'm feeling exhausted, more than usual. Waiting to hear from the Police if they have any leads. I've received responses from a few readers. Thanks for your support. I'm trying to put myself together ... get the courage to leave the house and visit the doc, but it's really hard.

Working on the next vblog ... there is a reader who is confused. She's trying to figure out what I'm trying to 'get out of it'. The vlbog and web page is art therapy for me. I can't leave the house to film anything ... I can only film myself, and try to get the word out there about anyone who saw my accident. If it involves putting up a blog site or a vblog or myspace site or whatever else, whatever catches the attention of people, the more people I can inform about what happened to me.

I think it's a bit obvious if you look at the video that I'm not seeking any form of attention. If I was just posting the details of my accident to various sites, no one would know what I'm talking about, besides it's good therapy for me. It keeps me busy.

Talking about keeping busy, I do need to find some consulting jobs, but I can't, since I haven't been able to leave home. One of the reasons I can't leave home is because my leg is still healing, I need to keep off it as much as possible. Just walking to the bathroom makes me tired.

In Denial

The weather is unbearbly hot today .... it's only adding to my misery. The doc's office has left me several messages on my phone. I don't want to be there for a check-up. I should, but I'm afraid he's going to make me see the physical therapist again. Not looking forward to the pain.

I've been placing posts to various groups; paranormal, etc. The readers of those pages have an open mind, hopefully they'll have some leads.

I feel strange posting to various groups. I'm not looking for any attention whatsoever ... but I really need to find out what happened ... I'm baring my soul.

Didn't go to sleep until 2 am, I patiently wait in front of the computer for any emails from the public who might have seen something, someone abducting me, or if there were any signs of a bright light in the area.

4th of July is coming up, already, there's been tons of prats lighting firecrackers, it's making me nervous ... edgy. Can't sleep ... the only good thing about staying home is that I've been saving tons of money by not buying gas!

Been having my groceries delievered to me ... it's not cheap, but I can't deal with being in the bright sun, the sound of traffic and the sounds of cars roaring up and down the street. Especially where I live, there's so many 'beautiful people' walking up + down the street enjoying the 4th of July weekend. Normally I would enjoy seeing the assortment of beautiful women parading up + down the street but now ... all I car about is getting rid of the pain. But I suppose by looking out the window at the gorgeous women it is taking my mind of the accident.

Can't wait until nightfall ... it's 8:05 pm at the sun is going down ... but not fast enough. Think I'll call it an early evening.

"Dead for 3 days"

I was in a car acccident that took place on Friday, December 23 2005. I was driving home when I was suddenly blinded by several bright intense lights. I lost control of the car as it plunged 100 feet into the bottom of the canyon.

I woke up in a hospital bed seventy two hours later on the 26th of December.

When I woke up the doc said that I had a blow on the head and I was unconscious for several hours. He asked me if I had major surgery before the accident. I told him no, I've never been operated on in my life. He showed me fresh scars, wounds and stitches on my body that wasn't related to the accident.

The doc said that the scars were from a recent operation that was possibly done in the past seventy-two hours.

The surgeon found traces of an unknown metal. I suffered numerous injuries in the accident; shattered ribs, broken ankle, dislocated hip, concussion, broken left arm, burst ear drum, whiplash, fractured right wrist, dislocated right hip which later became infected with thrombosis.

I wore a neck brace for several weeks. My left ankle is 1/3 larger than it should be.

I was in the hospital for months. The ordeal was physically painful,

The accident took place on Trabuco Canyon Road in Orange County, California.

The area where the accident took place is very strange. You can be driving along a road with shops and homes, then the next minute nothing, absolutely nothing, at night it's very hard to see.

I haven't been to the hospital for a check-up, I don't want to leave the house. I spend the majority of my time investigating the accident.

I filmed myself for a vblog. I'm crawling up the wall in confusion. I want to know what happened to my missing three days.

I can accept the fact if I was sitting unconscious in my car, but someone or something abducted me and performed surgery on me ... I don't know why. I feel violated and humiliated. Just thinking about it makes me sick. I feel like I've been poked in the head. Headpoked.

If anyone saw anything mysterious on Trabuco Canyon Road on the night of December 23 2005 please contact me.

Nervous with anticipation of the unknown.

I've lived my life behind the lens of a camera so I don't have to come to terms with life.

I make videos to try to come to an understanding of what's happening around me. I know that my videos don't make sense to most people, but it's my form of art.

I'm into hidden forms of information. I used to be a Professor or Visual Anthropology ... I'm also a collector of the obscure. The plumber of esoteric reasoning. A librarian of the absurd.

Speaking of absurd ... I'm nervous. The car accident has left me in a state of constant shock. I won't go into the details of the car accident ... I will, eventually.

I'm weening myself off the pain killers. I don't like the idea of taking them, being dependent on something. If, what I'm saying doesn't make any sense, it will in the next few days.

I've been spending my time putting my web site up ... it's part art therapy and an investigation into my car accident ... I'm nervous with anticipation, as I don't know where this will lead me.

It's been good therapy keeping busy, putting the web page together ... but I'm still trying to get a grasp on trying to lead a 'normal life'. It's strange feeling the sunlight after I spent five agonizing months recuperating in the hospital.

The worse thing about the time spent in the hospital was the physical therapy ... painful and mundane ... everyday like clockwork, time for my medication. Physical therapy. I shouldn't grumble. I'm grateful that I'm ok, but I really need to find out what happened to me during the wreck.

I don't know who's reading this, but it makes me feel better just writing about it.

A 'blog' is an experiment. An entry into the unknown. The absurd. Initially I had doubts about the 'blog'. But any initial doubts of reason quickly faded away when I found out the facts of my accident.

Which is why I'm turning to the blog for help.

I've seen strange things in my life. Things that most of you, hopefully will never see.

You have no idea about the sickness that lays underground. Invisible to the naked eye. Greed, corruption, depravity, sickness ... it's one of the reasons why I keep myself shuttered away.

There is no place that I want to be. I prefer to stay here, alone in my thoughts.

The blog is a form of therapy, as well as an art and literary project ... an ethnographic documentary into the mystery of my accident.

I don't know who is going to read this. It feels strange. I'm not one to keep a 'diary'. But maybe it's something that will help me. I dunno.