Accident Victim

I don't what to say. I received this video two days ago. I was shocked. Roy's accident took place at the same location, six years earlier. The photo that I've been searching for suddenly shows up. I don't know what to make of it.

Roy is obviously not looking for publicity, I'm not even sure if that's his real name. He filtered his image, so I have no idea what he really looks or sounds like.

I hope he'll be able to help me out with the accident.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one.

Moving but where?

I want to move. It's time for a change. There's too many things frustrating me. I can't make any headway into my accident. My doc thinks that I'm crazy. No one believes me. I'm fed up with southern california. I don't know where I want to move. I think I should take a road trip, but the problem is that I haven't driven a car since the accident.

I haven't been on a date siince the accident ... I don't have anything in common with any women. I'm frustrated and lonely. Getting out of the area will be good, it'll bring me another perspective. I won't go back to the U.K. too expensive along with rising crime rates.

The world is a gloomy place, I don't make friends easily ... it's because I don't trust anyone. I pour my heart out when I meet a woman I really like and all I'm left with is heartache. I'm too old for this and I'm losing hope at a rapid pace. It's not a pity party but I'm feeling the stress. I guess it's true what doctor's say, having a wife prolongs your life. I've heard lots of people say that they're under stress with a wife! But it's better than being in my shoes.

It's the same thing night after night. I go to bed alone and I'm sad and bitter. I know there should be someone for me out there, a special woman, but I can't find her, at least I think she's 'the one', but she ends up hating me and I hate myself. I know it's not right to think just because you have feelings for someone that they should love you back, but I'm tired ... tired of myself.

I really want to go out and 'experience' more of life, but I'm able to in my present physical state. I can't walk very far, the numbness in my foot is getting worse. I exercise everyday, it's keeping me fit and slim, but I'm always tired.

The other day, I went to the store, with the taxi of course. There was an attractive cashier, she was flirting with me and I flirted with her. I should have asked her for her email, at least, but I've been so broken hearted that I left, feeling like a fool. Making too many excuses.

It's hard, but I'm trying.

December 23, 2005 ;Occurrences too many similarities.

I don't know what it is. So many things swarming in my head. I've been able to pick up some little jobs here and there, just enough to keep me going. I haven't left the house in 4 days. I have a headache that comes and goes. I'm surprised to find that I've uncovered yet another surveillance camera hidden in the neighborhood. I can't remember why I placed so many. Was it another research project that I was working on?

I wish I wrote everything down on a piece of paper. I don't own a PDA. Something else to carry I guess, useless for me. I don't know if my headaches are a result of the concussion, but it's getting worse.

I'm beginning to wonder what kind of person I really am. What's so fascinating about studying traffic? Why did I place a hidden camera at the end of the street? Was it to produce enough evidence of the speeding idiots who screech constantly at all times of the day? Is it the idiots who drive down the road with their radio blaring full blast? What am I turning into an old man in his 30s with nothing to do but see what everyone else is doing?

I finally opened the windows in my office for the first time today. Too stuffy. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid to look out the window, especially after all the similarities between my accident and other deadly accidents that happened on the 23rd of December.

I don't want to harp on about it. Take a look at the thumbnail video above for more answers.

I really need to wake up and a respectable hour. 10 am? It makes me feel like a bum. I'm not losing hope in the investigation, just laying about feeling sorry for myself.

Pathetic isn't it?

Deja Vu.

I was busy working around the house yesterday. Pushing myself too hard, my body is aching, but that's nothing compared to the mental anguish I'm going through. There's been many supporting emails coming from the readers, but nothing can compare to the heartache that I'm going through, especially late at night when I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep.

There are women in my life that I thought I was close to, at least I thought I was. One of them in particular said that she would 'always be there for me'. She's not here for me, she's flaky, I should have known better than to place my hope in someone who I thought was my friend, I've been there for her, not because I was expecting something in return. I like to help people, at least I did until recently. She doesn't call or let alone email me and it hurts, where are you when I need you?

There's another woman who was in my life, who could be gentle and sweet, then the next moment she was distant, clearly didn't want me around. When she heard about my accident she was concerned ... at least I thought she was. In her next email she was angry, upset. To make a long story short she doesn't want me in her life.

I'm not getting any younger ... I'm in my 30's, I thought I would have settled down by now, but that wish is becoming a distant memory. But it's nothing to the pain I feel in my heart, it's making me depressed, so depressed that I sleep for hours on end. It's effecting me physically as well. My hands are beginning to cramp up when I write. I'm constantly tired. I'm plagued by headaches. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to whomever is reading this. I don't want to ruin your day. I just needed someone to 'vent' to. I rarely venture outside the house, even with the taxi. I don't have the energy. It takes a lot out of me just to write these blogs lately ... I don't even care anymore ... the accident, my personal life, the heartache that I'm experiencing ... it feels like it's an ongoing deja vu. I know that I experienced it in the past, either in my nightmare or somewhere else and it's frustrating.

I hope things will get better for me.

The Enigma 23

My accident took place on the 23rd of December. The time on my wristwatch was frozen at 9:23. A co-incidence? Everywhere I go I see the number 23. For example for the past week each time I answer my email the number 23 pops up. Avant-Garde musicians with the number 23 in the composition appears. 23 hurt in a bus accident. 23 killed in an airplane crash.

I am familiar with the writer William S. Burroughs, but I forgot the 23 connection, I haven't heard about it in years ... I blame it on my concussion. I'm forgetful ... can't remember anything.

I just took a look at the time on the computer screen; 23!

Am I reading into things?

Thanks goes to Hiroshi who pointed the connection of the 23 enigma and my accident.

I won't be able to go anywhere without seeing 23. And now I hear that a movie is being made about the 23 Enigma. I wonder if it's going to be any good?

This 23 enigma thing is getting on me nerves. It's spooking me out. I've got to get out, clear me head. Take a deep breath.

I'm thinking I really have to start driving again. What am I going to tell the taxi driver? Just cruise around the city for an hour or so? I did like taking taxi's. But that thought only lasted a couple of days. It's not practical.

So many things to do. But I don't feel like doing anything. Just to turn on the computer can be an ordeal in itself. The only thing that keeps me going are the positive emails.

Thank you.

Wrecked Car

I've been wracking up a rather large amount of fees at the impound yard for my wrecked car. I should go there and retrieve the vehicle. But what am I going to do with it? Put it in my driveway? I'm still waiting to hear from the insurance company, fighting with them, going back and forth.

It's been almost a year and I'm still trying to get the replacement value.

I'm in no mood to look at what was once my 'new' car. More like a 'new' wrecked car.

Comment

I just want to say thank you for the comment by Jesse. I'm not a religious person but your words were very kind. My so called 'friends' haven't written to me lately, so I really appreciate your words of support.

Jack

Comment

I just want to say thank you for the comment by Jesse. I'm not a religious person but your words were very kind. My so called 'friends' haven't written to me lately, so I really appreciate your words of support.

Jack

Fall arrives and people are in a lousy mood

On a personal level, people who were in my life, and I emphasize 'were' are in a lousy mood. I have half a handful of 'associates', really just a small, very small amount of 'humans' who call me 'their friend' who have been constantly pouring all of their problems on me.

They know that I was in an accident, that I'm not in a 'stable' frame of mind when it comes to listening about the daily day to day insignificant matters of their lives.


I've asked them for help regarding the accident but they're much more interested in telling me why their lives are in the gutter. When I try to tell them about the accident they ignore me and walk away.

Not once did they visit me while I was in the hospital. Did they come to my home to see if I was ok? No. They didn't call, write ... absolutely nothing.

Complete strangers, fans of the site have been comforting me more than strangers.

It's been a huge effort for me just to leave the house. I think about all the time I spent tucked away in the confine of my room and what did I miss? Nothing. People are still greedy, selfish, arrogant creatures and I hate them for feeling like that.

This isn't some psycho-therapy session. I noticed more and more people who are acting this way.

The only thing I longed for was a female companion, but when I remembered the relationships I had in the past they all ended up like a row of dominoes, falling down into one another.

The human race is an empty vessel. I'm waiting for the day it sinks.

I'll be sure to be on dry land when it happens.

Taxi's

It still gets on my nerves whenever I have to leave the house. But at least I'm re-experiencing what it's like to be out in the sun.

Every morning is the same routine. I pick up the telephone and request that a taxi pick me up.

People have been asking me why don't I take the bus. No offense but there's too many strange people who ride the transit on any given day. I don't know about you but I don't like the idea of sitting at a bus stop, breathing fumes and fumbling for change or a bus pass.

I don't have the patience to look for the bus route. It's too nerve wrecking. I don't like to share the bus with others, I don't like the idea of the bus continuously stopping to pick up and drop off customers.

A taxi can take me to my destination in half the time as a bus. I don't know if I want to buy another car. I like the idea of someone being my driver. There's no stress on my part. I think about the money that I save; I don't have to fill in for gas, no car insurance, maintenance ... what a luxury.

I am nervous before the taxi arrives. I've been suffering panic attacks since the accident. Usually I do 30 minutes of stretches a day before I leave the house. It's good for my back, and I'm getting in shape. I need to take several deep breathes ... I thought about having a few stif drinks to relax me, but I haven't had a hard drink in years. I've seen too many friends and family members waste their lives in pubs. I don't want to me addicted to the 'devil's urine'.

This is the routine that I go through before I leave the house; I fumble for my keys as I close the door. I close my eyes as I head toward the sidewalk. I feel dizzy ... kneeling on the sidewalk the pain in my ears are intense as I hear the sounds of traffic and loud car stereos.

The sound from my heart overpowers any external sound I hear. Suddenly, in the distance I can see the taxi, my panic attack fades away as the yellow vehicle filled with the smell of stale cigarettes and day old donuts fill the air.

I climb in, close my eyes and relax.

At first it bothered me that the taxi driver had the radio on full blast. Inane music, commericals and talk radio. The sound of silence is hell compared to the sound of the rumbling stereo.

But why do I care? I have nothing to worry about, besides the taxi driver trying to take the long route to my destination.

I'm still angry over the way the doctor interrogated me the other day. It's the same routine that I'm getting from her and the police. They think I'm suicidal, on ambien ... it's frustrating.

But, on the other hand I have been receiving many email letters of support. Thank You. I still have much work to do. I'm getting my life back on track. I haven't been driving, but it angered me when I was sitting in the taxi cab the other day listening to the constant cries of ambulances, police cars and fire trucks, even a year ago it would be rare to hear sirens blaring constantly, but the times have changed, for the worse, there's so many idiots out there, lousy drivers, screeching tires, morons blaring their car stereo at night.

I need to come to terms with my anger and nightmares. Whenever I see a speeding driver I want him/her to be punished. I want them to realize what they're doing is wrong. But how can they when they're constantly on their cell phone?

I hate people who talk on their cell phones while they drive.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave home. It's made me more aggravated.

I left home



Anxiety ridden, in pain and breathless. This is how I felt early this morning laying in bed. I made an appointment to see the doctor. The doctor was available to see me this afternoon. I couldn't sleep. Was I ready to leave the house? What was I going to tell the doctor ... why I didn't return the phone calls ... missed dozens of appointments ...

I prepared the surveillance camera, rigged up inside a bag, tested it over and over. I've done it thousands of times before. Been in countless situations where my life was in danger but nothing prepared me for this. Pure and utter paranoia.

I called a taxi and constantly monitored the security cameras for the car to pull up. Finally the taxi arrived. I took a deep breath, pulled the hood over my head, sunglasses firmy planted and I made a quick dash to the car.

To the hospital I told the driver. The blaring noise from the radio made me sick, mentally and physically, banal commercials, the phoney announcers voice. I hate talk radio. It's repulsive. Does anyone really listen to this garbage?

The sounds of cars and traffic made me nauseous. People are driving bigger cars, careless, talking on their cell phones, no one pays attention to the traffic. All they care about is themselves. What is this society turning into? A dog eat dog world? It disgusts me. I should move to the mountains. Away from civilization.

After what seemed like eternity the car pulled up to the dreaded HMO ... I mean hospital. The death factory. A patient enters somewhat fine and they leave in a hearse. I won't mention what hospital I belong to, but they have a high fatality rate. All they care about is the bottom line. They don't give a damn about the patients.

Took a deep breath and made my way into the building. My heart was racing when I passed the security guard, an older clueless man who was busy looking at the women wearing the last remnants of mid drifts and revealing clothing.

I made my way past the guard to the front desk. $25.00 co-pay yes, I know, I've been through this dozens of times before. I should be an attorney, I can't count the number of times I had to read my hmo booklet. It makes a great read when you can't fall asleep. Luckily for me, I've never been forced to read it. I'm always tired at the end of the day.

I avoided the elevator, too many sick people, plus I like the exercise. Made my way into the doctor's office. I placed the bag on the table and pressed the record button. I was hoping that she would visit me soon, I didn't want the tape to run out.

Eventually, what seemed like eternity the doctor arrived. Attractive, mid to late 30's. Funny, I don't remember her. She treated me the morning I was brought in. She left a few days after I was brought in on pregnancy leave.

I won't go into details, you can watch the surveillance video for yourself. I was upset at the way she interrogated me. I felt like I was on trial. Disgusting. Psychiatrist, suicide, pills? What is this? Is she part of a set-up? Is she working with the police? What did I do to warrant this? They think I have some 'behaviour' problems.

I left the doctor's office in anger. Hailed another cab and ordered the driver to take me home.

I can't believe that this is happening to me. It sounds so bloody cliche', but I feel like I'm living a nightmare.

Leaving home was not as traumatic as I thought. But still, I don't want to have any part of society. It's going to fall apart. People will destroy each other. And I want to be prepared when it happens.

But first I need to find out the truth behind my accident. But I'm afraid I'm only holding the first piece of the puzzle in my hands.

Jack

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

I've been in a lazy mood today. I take that back, I tried to drum up some new business today, but that was a waste of time. Prospective clients want to meet me in person. What am I going to tell them? Go to my web site then you'll know why. Go ahead and scare them from the get go. It makes them curious why I don't want to see them in person.

I'm running out of excuses. I cough a few times and tell them that I have to go.

I saw a film on dvd today. 'Crash' by David Cronenberg. It made me depressed. It probably wasn't the best film to watch expecially considering what I've been through. But with a title like that ... I mean I am familar with the book ... the dvd is in my collection, I didn't know I had it ... strange.

I need to watch something that's going to make me feel good. What's on the telly ... I'm looking at the screen as you're reading this. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I think I'm going to sleep.

I care, but it's hard.

I'm gaining strength, physically, but mentally I'm doubtful. I opened the front door and walked out of the house last night for 2 minutes. It made me sick, I tried, but I broke out in sweat, covering my body, my shirt clung to my back.

But it's a breakthrough for me.

Upset

Reading the police report made me angry. I wanted to punch my fist through the wall, but to protect my fist and wall I didn't. I want to yell and scream at someone, but what am I going to do ... walk outside and yell at someone on the street? Knowing my luck I'll get arrested! Wouldn't that be ironic? I guess I'll have all the time to tell the police about what I think of their 'findings', bloody stupid report.

Today it hit me, it's been nine months since the accident ... nothing has happened ... yes, I spent several months in the hospital recovering. I put the blog up in June and still no clues. Did someone pull a prank on me? I know we live in a sick world but why would someone do something like that to me?

I've been in a lacklustre mood, tired, moody, anxiety ridden ... maybe it's the prescription medicine from over the border, but it's inexpensive and that's what counts.

I'm exercising on a daily basis, getting leaner, stronger. When I do leave the house I'll be ready for whatever comes my way. I've been thinking of things to say to the police. I don't want to mince words. I'll tell them off. Tell them what I'm thinking. I'm disappointed that I thought the police would help solve my case. What a joke. An absolute joke.

Hmm, gas prices are lower I see. All these months that I've spent shut in the house did me some good. I've been looking online for cars ... the car that I want is too expensive, but it has great safety features, curtain airbags, stability control. And the insurance rates are much better if you have the added safety equipment. It's one of the reasons why I'm still alive. I shudder to think what would have happened if I didn't have the air curtain airbags and stability control.

Is there a higher power that's responsible for my accident? Is there a reason? Or am I having a nightmare? I wonder how many others are out there like me, shut in the house because no one believes their story?

We'll see.

Not in denial.



I've been in a bad mood, which is good. I'm mad, angry, vicious at the way that I'm unable to find out the cause of my accident. I'm getting the run around from the police. I want to visit them in person and tell them that I'm a victim. What's holding me back? The sounds of stupid drivers on the road. Knowing my luck I'll get in a car and immediately I'll be hit by another idiot who is distracted while they're on their cell phone.

In my current state of anger it's probably not a good thing that I drive in a car. I've been looking online at taxi's, tons of funny vicious stories about bad taxi drivers. But what can I do? I need to buy another car, I've been talking to the insurance company ... I'll talk about it later, what a nightmare!

There's so many things I have to do ...

Frayed nerves

I really have to leave the house. The hospital has been leaving me dozens of messages, literally. They're beginning to haunt me. On the plus side my work is back to usual, even though I haven't left the house. I barely carry on. Lots of words of support. Thank you very much.

I think I'm ready to walk through the front door. Getting into a car is another story though. We shall see. I'm afraid I'll have to call a taxi ... not the best drivers ... I'm not looking forward to it. Happy thoughts, that's what I should think. I need to be happier, I'm tired of being a dour person. But after the things that I've been through ... no, that's a negative attitude and I don't want to think like that. Especially when I need to find out the cause of the accident.

The police I'm afraid have given up on my case. They think I'm a complete nutter. What else can I do? They asked me to come down to the police station to talk to the detective who's assigned to my case. I told them I can't leave because I'm still recuperating ... mentally, not so much physically. The officer on the phone had a confused tone in his voice. I think he was laughing at me, I could hear him mutter something incomprehensible to others in the office. I could hear the roar of laughter. I hung up the phone in anger and self-pity.

My family in England know about my accident ... we don't talk about anything in depth, same old talk. We speak without saying much of anything.

I've been doing my exercises on a daily basis. Stretches more like it ... it's been helpful, but there's days when I don't feel like doing anything. But if I want to become stronger I'll need to work out more often. I don't want to look like a muscle bound freak, I just want to be fit.

I've been eating better. Maybe it's been a godsend that I couldn't leave the house. No more junk food. Christ I'm getting lean. When I think about all the years I've abused my body eating that rubbish. Home cooked meals, lot's of vegetables. I haven't eaten things like takeout Chinese or pizza in months, I used to crave that garbage, not anymore.

I am going through changes, but I need to find the courage to investigate the accident on my own ... I know the police aren't going to help me.

Jack