Accident Victim

I don't what to say. I received this video two days ago. I was shocked. Roy's accident took place at the same location, six years earlier. The photo that I've been searching for suddenly shows up. I don't know what to make of it.

Roy is obviously not looking for publicity, I'm not even sure if that's his real name. He filtered his image, so I have no idea what he really looks or sounds like.

I hope he'll be able to help me out with the accident.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one.

Moving but where?

I want to move. It's time for a change. There's too many things frustrating me. I can't make any headway into my accident. My doc thinks that I'm crazy. No one believes me. I'm fed up with southern california. I don't know where I want to move. I think I should take a road trip, but the problem is that I haven't driven a car since the accident.

I haven't been on a date siince the accident ... I don't have anything in common with any women. I'm frustrated and lonely. Getting out of the area will be good, it'll bring me another perspective. I won't go back to the U.K. too expensive along with rising crime rates.

The world is a gloomy place, I don't make friends easily ... it's because I don't trust anyone. I pour my heart out when I meet a woman I really like and all I'm left with is heartache. I'm too old for this and I'm losing hope at a rapid pace. It's not a pity party but I'm feeling the stress. I guess it's true what doctor's say, having a wife prolongs your life. I've heard lots of people say that they're under stress with a wife! But it's better than being in my shoes.

It's the same thing night after night. I go to bed alone and I'm sad and bitter. I know there should be someone for me out there, a special woman, but I can't find her, at least I think she's 'the one', but she ends up hating me and I hate myself. I know it's not right to think just because you have feelings for someone that they should love you back, but I'm tired ... tired of myself.

I really want to go out and 'experience' more of life, but I'm able to in my present physical state. I can't walk very far, the numbness in my foot is getting worse. I exercise everyday, it's keeping me fit and slim, but I'm always tired.

The other day, I went to the store, with the taxi of course. There was an attractive cashier, she was flirting with me and I flirted with her. I should have asked her for her email, at least, but I've been so broken hearted that I left, feeling like a fool. Making too many excuses.

It's hard, but I'm trying.

December 23, 2005 ;Occurrences too many similarities.

I don't know what it is. So many things swarming in my head. I've been able to pick up some little jobs here and there, just enough to keep me going. I haven't left the house in 4 days. I have a headache that comes and goes. I'm surprised to find that I've uncovered yet another surveillance camera hidden in the neighborhood. I can't remember why I placed so many. Was it another research project that I was working on?

I wish I wrote everything down on a piece of paper. I don't own a PDA. Something else to carry I guess, useless for me. I don't know if my headaches are a result of the concussion, but it's getting worse.

I'm beginning to wonder what kind of person I really am. What's so fascinating about studying traffic? Why did I place a hidden camera at the end of the street? Was it to produce enough evidence of the speeding idiots who screech constantly at all times of the day? Is it the idiots who drive down the road with their radio blaring full blast? What am I turning into an old man in his 30s with nothing to do but see what everyone else is doing?

I finally opened the windows in my office for the first time today. Too stuffy. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid to look out the window, especially after all the similarities between my accident and other deadly accidents that happened on the 23rd of December.

I don't want to harp on about it. Take a look at the thumbnail video above for more answers.

I really need to wake up and a respectable hour. 10 am? It makes me feel like a bum. I'm not losing hope in the investigation, just laying about feeling sorry for myself.

Pathetic isn't it?

Deja Vu.

I was busy working around the house yesterday. Pushing myself too hard, my body is aching, but that's nothing compared to the mental anguish I'm going through. There's been many supporting emails coming from the readers, but nothing can compare to the heartache that I'm going through, especially late at night when I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep.

There are women in my life that I thought I was close to, at least I thought I was. One of them in particular said that she would 'always be there for me'. She's not here for me, she's flaky, I should have known better than to place my hope in someone who I thought was my friend, I've been there for her, not because I was expecting something in return. I like to help people, at least I did until recently. She doesn't call or let alone email me and it hurts, where are you when I need you?

There's another woman who was in my life, who could be gentle and sweet, then the next moment she was distant, clearly didn't want me around. When she heard about my accident she was concerned ... at least I thought she was. In her next email she was angry, upset. To make a long story short she doesn't want me in her life.

I'm not getting any younger ... I'm in my 30's, I thought I would have settled down by now, but that wish is becoming a distant memory. But it's nothing to the pain I feel in my heart, it's making me depressed, so depressed that I sleep for hours on end. It's effecting me physically as well. My hands are beginning to cramp up when I write. I'm constantly tired. I'm plagued by headaches. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to whomever is reading this. I don't want to ruin your day. I just needed someone to 'vent' to. I rarely venture outside the house, even with the taxi. I don't have the energy. It takes a lot out of me just to write these blogs lately ... I don't even care anymore ... the accident, my personal life, the heartache that I'm experiencing ... it feels like it's an ongoing deja vu. I know that I experienced it in the past, either in my nightmare or somewhere else and it's frustrating.

I hope things will get better for me.

The Enigma 23

My accident took place on the 23rd of December. The time on my wristwatch was frozen at 9:23. A co-incidence? Everywhere I go I see the number 23. For example for the past week each time I answer my email the number 23 pops up. Avant-Garde musicians with the number 23 in the composition appears. 23 hurt in a bus accident. 23 killed in an airplane crash.

I am familiar with the writer William S. Burroughs, but I forgot the 23 connection, I haven't heard about it in years ... I blame it on my concussion. I'm forgetful ... can't remember anything.

I just took a look at the time on the computer screen; 23!

Am I reading into things?

Thanks goes to Hiroshi who pointed the connection of the 23 enigma and my accident.

I won't be able to go anywhere without seeing 23. And now I hear that a movie is being made about the 23 Enigma. I wonder if it's going to be any good?

This 23 enigma thing is getting on me nerves. It's spooking me out. I've got to get out, clear me head. Take a deep breath.

I'm thinking I really have to start driving again. What am I going to tell the taxi driver? Just cruise around the city for an hour or so? I did like taking taxi's. But that thought only lasted a couple of days. It's not practical.

So many things to do. But I don't feel like doing anything. Just to turn on the computer can be an ordeal in itself. The only thing that keeps me going are the positive emails.

Thank you.

Wrecked Car

I've been wracking up a rather large amount of fees at the impound yard for my wrecked car. I should go there and retrieve the vehicle. But what am I going to do with it? Put it in my driveway? I'm still waiting to hear from the insurance company, fighting with them, going back and forth.

It's been almost a year and I'm still trying to get the replacement value.

I'm in no mood to look at what was once my 'new' car. More like a 'new' wrecked car.

Comment

I just want to say thank you for the comment by Jesse. I'm not a religious person but your words were very kind. My so called 'friends' haven't written to me lately, so I really appreciate your words of support.

Jack

Comment

I just want to say thank you for the comment by Jesse. I'm not a religious person but your words were very kind. My so called 'friends' haven't written to me lately, so I really appreciate your words of support.

Jack

Fall arrives and people are in a lousy mood

On a personal level, people who were in my life, and I emphasize 'were' are in a lousy mood. I have half a handful of 'associates', really just a small, very small amount of 'humans' who call me 'their friend' who have been constantly pouring all of their problems on me.

They know that I was in an accident, that I'm not in a 'stable' frame of mind when it comes to listening about the daily day to day insignificant matters of their lives.


I've asked them for help regarding the accident but they're much more interested in telling me why their lives are in the gutter. When I try to tell them about the accident they ignore me and walk away.

Not once did they visit me while I was in the hospital. Did they come to my home to see if I was ok? No. They didn't call, write ... absolutely nothing.

Complete strangers, fans of the site have been comforting me more than strangers.

It's been a huge effort for me just to leave the house. I think about all the time I spent tucked away in the confine of my room and what did I miss? Nothing. People are still greedy, selfish, arrogant creatures and I hate them for feeling like that.

This isn't some psycho-therapy session. I noticed more and more people who are acting this way.

The only thing I longed for was a female companion, but when I remembered the relationships I had in the past they all ended up like a row of dominoes, falling down into one another.

The human race is an empty vessel. I'm waiting for the day it sinks.

I'll be sure to be on dry land when it happens.

Taxi's

It still gets on my nerves whenever I have to leave the house. But at least I'm re-experiencing what it's like to be out in the sun.

Every morning is the same routine. I pick up the telephone and request that a taxi pick me up.

People have been asking me why don't I take the bus. No offense but there's too many strange people who ride the transit on any given day. I don't know about you but I don't like the idea of sitting at a bus stop, breathing fumes and fumbling for change or a bus pass.

I don't have the patience to look for the bus route. It's too nerve wrecking. I don't like to share the bus with others, I don't like the idea of the bus continuously stopping to pick up and drop off customers.

A taxi can take me to my destination in half the time as a bus. I don't know if I want to buy another car. I like the idea of someone being my driver. There's no stress on my part. I think about the money that I save; I don't have to fill in for gas, no car insurance, maintenance ... what a luxury.

I am nervous before the taxi arrives. I've been suffering panic attacks since the accident. Usually I do 30 minutes of stretches a day before I leave the house. It's good for my back, and I'm getting in shape. I need to take several deep breathes ... I thought about having a few stif drinks to relax me, but I haven't had a hard drink in years. I've seen too many friends and family members waste their lives in pubs. I don't want to me addicted to the 'devil's urine'.

This is the routine that I go through before I leave the house; I fumble for my keys as I close the door. I close my eyes as I head toward the sidewalk. I feel dizzy ... kneeling on the sidewalk the pain in my ears are intense as I hear the sounds of traffic and loud car stereos.

The sound from my heart overpowers any external sound I hear. Suddenly, in the distance I can see the taxi, my panic attack fades away as the yellow vehicle filled with the smell of stale cigarettes and day old donuts fill the air.

I climb in, close my eyes and relax.

At first it bothered me that the taxi driver had the radio on full blast. Inane music, commericals and talk radio. The sound of silence is hell compared to the sound of the rumbling stereo.

But why do I care? I have nothing to worry about, besides the taxi driver trying to take the long route to my destination.

I'm still angry over the way the doctor interrogated me the other day. It's the same routine that I'm getting from her and the police. They think I'm suicidal, on ambien ... it's frustrating.

But, on the other hand I have been receiving many email letters of support. Thank You. I still have much work to do. I'm getting my life back on track. I haven't been driving, but it angered me when I was sitting in the taxi cab the other day listening to the constant cries of ambulances, police cars and fire trucks, even a year ago it would be rare to hear sirens blaring constantly, but the times have changed, for the worse, there's so many idiots out there, lousy drivers, screeching tires, morons blaring their car stereo at night.

I need to come to terms with my anger and nightmares. Whenever I see a speeding driver I want him/her to be punished. I want them to realize what they're doing is wrong. But how can they when they're constantly on their cell phone?

I hate people who talk on their cell phones while they drive.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave home. It's made me more aggravated.