Thursday, September 28, 2006

I left home

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Anxiety ridden, in pain and breathless. This is how I felt early this morning laying in bed. I made an appointment to see the doctor. The doctor was available to see me this afternoon. I couldn't sleep. Was I ready to leave the house? What was I going to tell the doctor ... why I didn't return the phone calls ... missed dozens of appointments ...

I prepared the surveillance camera, rigged up inside a bag, tested it over and over. I've done it thousands of times before. Been in countless situations where my life was in danger but nothing prepared me for this. Pure and utter paranoia.

I called a taxi and constantly monitored the security cameras for the car to pull up. Finally the taxi arrived. I took a deep breath, pulled the hood over my head, sunglasses firmy planted and I made a quick dash to the car.

To the hospital I told the driver. The blaring noise from the radio made me sick, mentally and physically, banal commercials, the phoney announcers voice. I hate talk radio. It's repulsive. Does anyone really listen to this garbage?

The sounds of cars and traffic made me nauseous. People are driving bigger cars, careless, talking on their cell phones, no one pays attention to the traffic. All they care about is themselves. What is this society turning into? A dog eat dog world? It disgusts me. I should move to the mountains. Away from civilization.

After what seemed like eternity the car pulled up to the dreaded HMO ... I mean hospital. The death factory. A patient enters somewhat fine and they leave in a hearse. I won't mention what hospital I belong to, but they have a high fatality rate. All they care about is the bottom line. They don't give a damn about the patients.

Took a deep breath and made my way into the building. My heart was racing when I passed the security guard, an older clueless man who was busy looking at the women wearing the last remnants of mid drifts and revealing clothing.

I made my way past the guard to the front desk. $25.00 co-pay yes, I know, I've been through this dozens of times before. I should be an attorney, I can't count the number of times I had to read my hmo booklet. It makes a great read when you can't fall asleep. Luckily for me, I've never been forced to read it. I'm always tired at the end of the day.

I avoided the elevator, too many sick people, plus I like the exercise. Made my way into the doctor's office. I placed the bag on the table and pressed the record button. I was hoping that she would visit me soon, I didn't want the tape to run out.

Eventually, what seemed like eternity the doctor arrived. Attractive, mid to late 30's. Funny, I don't remember her. She treated me the morning I was brought in. She left a few days after I was brought in on pregnancy leave.

I won't go into details, you can watch the surveillance video for yourself. I was upset at the way she interrogated me. I felt like I was on trial. Disgusting. Psychiatrist, suicide, pills? What is this? Is she part of a set-up? Is she working with the police? What did I do to warrant this? They think I have some 'behaviour' problems.

I left the doctor's office in anger. Hailed another cab and ordered the driver to take me home.

I can't believe that this is happening to me. It sounds so bloody cliche', but I feel like I'm living a nightmare.

Leaving home was not as traumatic as I thought. But still, I don't want to have any part of society. It's going to fall apart. People will destroy each other. And I want to be prepared when it happens.

But first I need to find out the truth behind my accident. But I'm afraid I'm only holding the first piece of the puzzle in my hands.

Jack

Monday, September 25, 2006

The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...
The underlying reasons why I haven't left home.

I've been thinking about all the reasons why I refuse to leave the house. But the underlying reason is my pinched sciatic nerve ending in my leg, reoccurying back problems ... and now my left leg is going numb.

I know it sounds like another excuse ... but I've been working out, getting better by the day. If I could just shake off my back problems everything would be ok ...

Friday, September 22, 2006

I've been in a lazy mood today. I take that back, I tried to drum up some new business today, but that was a waste of time. Prospective clients want to meet me in person. What am I going to tell them? Go to my web site then you'll know why. Go ahead and scare them from the get go. It makes them curious why I don't want to see them in person.

I'm running out of excuses. I cough a few times and tell them that I have to go.

I saw a film on dvd today. 'Crash' by David Cronenberg. It made me depressed. It probably wasn't the best film to watch expecially considering what I've been through. But with a title like that ... I mean I am familar with the book ... the dvd is in my collection, I didn't know I had it ... strange.

I need to watch something that's going to make me feel good. What's on the telly ... I'm looking at the screen as you're reading this. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I think I'm going to sleep.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

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I care, but it's hard.

I'm gaining strength, physically, but mentally I'm doubtful. I opened the front door and walked out of the house last night for 2 minutes. It made me sick, I tried, but I broke out in sweat, covering my body, my shirt clung to my back.

But it's a breakthrough for me.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Upset

Reading the police report made me angry. I wanted to punch my fist through the wall, but to protect my fist and wall I didn't. I want to yell and scream at someone, but what am I going to do ... walk outside and yell at someone on the street? Knowing my luck I'll get arrested! Wouldn't that be ironic? I guess I'll have all the time to tell the police about what I think of their 'findings', bloody stupid report.


Thursday, September 14, 2006

Today it hit me, it's been nine months since the accident ... nothing has happened ... yes, I spent several months in the hospital recovering. I put the blog up in June and still no clues. Did someone pull a prank on me? I know we live in a sick world but why would someone do something like that to me?

I've been in a lacklustre mood, tired, moody, anxiety ridden ... maybe it's the prescription medicine from over the border, but it's inexpensive and that's what counts.

I'm exercising on a daily basis, getting leaner, stronger. When I do leave the house I'll be ready for whatever comes my way. I've been thinking of things to say to the police. I don't want to mince words. I'll tell them off. Tell them what I'm thinking. I'm disappointed that I thought the police would help solve my case. What a joke. An absolute joke.

Hmm, gas prices are lower I see. All these months that I've spent shut in the house did me some good. I've been looking online for cars ... the car that I want is too expensive, but it has great safety features, curtain airbags, stability control. And the insurance rates are much better if you have the added safety equipment. It's one of the reasons why I'm still alive. I shudder to think what would have happened if I didn't have the air curtain airbags and stability control.

Is there a higher power that's responsible for my accident? Is there a reason? Or am I having a nightmare? I wonder how many others are out there like me, shut in the house because no one believes their story?

We'll see.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Not in denial.



I've been in a bad mood, which is good. I'm mad, angry, vicious at the way that I'm unable to find out the cause of my accident. I'm getting the run around from the police. I want to visit them in person and tell them that I'm a victim. What's holding me back? The sounds of stupid drivers on the road. Knowing my luck I'll get in a car and immediately I'll be hit by another idiot who is distracted while they're on their cell phone.

In my current state of anger it's probably not a good thing that I drive in a car. I've been looking online at taxi's, tons of funny vicious stories about bad taxi drivers. But what can I do? I need to buy another car, I've been talking to the insurance company ... I'll talk about it later, what a nightmare!

There's so many things I have to do ...

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Frayed nerves

I really have to leave the house. The hospital has been leaving me dozens of messages, literally. They're beginning to haunt me. On the plus side my work is back to usual, even though I haven't left the house. I barely carry on. Lots of words of support. Thank you very much.

I think I'm ready to walk through the front door. Getting into a car is another story though. We shall see. I'm afraid I'll have to call a taxi ... not the best drivers ... I'm not looking forward to it. Happy thoughts, that's what I should think. I need to be happier, I'm tired of being a dour person. But after the things that I've been through ... no, that's a negative attitude and I don't want to think like that. Especially when I need to find out the cause of the accident.

The police I'm afraid have given up on my case. They think I'm a complete nutter. What else can I do? They asked me to come down to the police station to talk to the detective who's assigned to my case. I told them I can't leave because I'm still recuperating ... mentally, not so much physically. The officer on the phone had a confused tone in his voice. I think he was laughing at me, I could hear him mutter something incomprehensible to others in the office. I could hear the roar of laughter. I hung up the phone in anger and self-pity.

My family in England know about my accident ... we don't talk about anything in depth, same old talk. We speak without saying much of anything.

I've been doing my exercises on a daily basis. Stretches more like it ... it's been helpful, but there's days when I don't feel like doing anything. But if I want to become stronger I'll need to work out more often. I don't want to look like a muscle bound freak, I just want to be fit.

I've been eating better. Maybe it's been a godsend that I couldn't leave the house. No more junk food. Christ I'm getting lean. When I think about all the years I've abused my body eating that rubbish. Home cooked meals, lot's of vegetables. I haven't eaten things like takeout Chinese or pizza in months, I used to crave that garbage, not anymore.

I am going through changes, but I need to find the courage to investigate the accident on my own ... I know the police aren't going to help me.

Jack